Stop F$!?#%* Asking Me How You Look

I hate when people ask me what they should do with their appearance.

I am flattered you value my opinion, don’t get me wrong. However, why do you care what I think?

What I think does not matter.

I was surrounded by standard beauty growing up and wasn’t really able to express my individuality until over the age of 18.

When I did, I was literally criticized all the time.

I have colored my hair all sorts of colors and have been judged for it.

I have cut my hair and have been picked apart for it.

I’ve had about 4-5 piercings in my face and was criticized for it.

I have had outfits that I have been put down for wearing.

I’ve been given funny looks and have been told things like:

“Why did you do that?”

“You looked prettier before”

“I liked your hair when it was longer”

“I liked your hair when it was darker”

“Why did you do that to your face?”

“No, that doesn’t look right”

Yet, I kept doing my own thing because I felt good.

I liked what I saw in the mirror.

What I saw made me happy and it made me feel brave, bold and unique to stand out from the crowd.

I also received lot of praise and compliments such as:

“My goodness, that’s so beautiful”

“I wish I could do that”

“I wish I had the face for that”

I’ve even had people reach out to me to thank me because I inspired them to make changes they desperately wanted to make for their own appearance.

That always felt really, really good.

The approval was irrelevant to me. It was thrilling to try new things to look the way I wanted. Had I lived according to everyone’s opinions, I wouldn’t have taken those risks that ultimately resulted in my happiness and satisfaction.

When I did choose to go around asking for the opinions of others, I was told not to because it would look ugly, bad, disgusting, etc..

The irony? The same people who would hit me with criticism started looking a lot like me.

The criticism you hear from others is coming from a place of someone else’s fears and limitations. These people are afraid to be themselves and to stray from what’s considered acceptable. Why would they encourage you to be bold and unique when they don’t even have the balls to do it themselves? Only when YOU break the mold and receive the praise, do they feel safe enough to do the same. Mostly because they desire the same positive reaction others gave you.

In reality, they still aren’t being themselves. We don’t know what and who they are and what they like because THEY don’t know who they are and what they like. That’s why they go around copying everyone’s shit. They want the same admiration you got. You’d be surprised that sometimes your critics are your greatest fans.

Wear and look however and whichever way you want. Fuck what anyone else thinks because again, those who pick on you for it are more often than not undercover fans.

I say this a lot and I’m going to say it again.

The only path to happiness is authenticity.

You express authenticity through appearance.

Look the way you want and OWN THAT SHIT. UNAPOLOGETICALLY.

Fuck what anyone else thinks.

That right there is what earns you respect.

At this point of my life, I’d rather be respected than accepted.

Stop Making Your Food Taste Like Shit

Your life is like a meal you are preparing for yourself. The people you choose to be in your life are the seasoning and spices you add to make your dish. The purpose of the spices and seasonings are to make the dish more flavorful.

Do you NEED them?

No, not necessarily. The food is edible without them. They make the dish heavenly and delectable though. They add and compliment the meal. They enhance and bring out the best of the meal. By the time you’re done, you are happy, fulfilled and satisfied.

Now, if you try a spice and you don’t like it or it makes your food taste nasty, why would you cook with it? Why would you add more? Why would you continue to eat it?

The moral here?

You need no one once you learn to love and care for yourself. There is no one to complete you. You are whole. You always have been. Don’t let society, the films, the fairy tales, the tv shows or any living being make you feel differently. The people in your life aren’t there to make you happy. YOU are the one who is responsible for making YOU happy.

The people in your life are OPTIONAL. They are to there CONTRIBUTE to that joy, to HELP and bring out the BEST in you. To push you to achieve your dreams. To motivate and help you believe in yourself.

If a person only adds pain, anger, insecurity, criticism, pessimism, difficulty and blocks you from your blessings, goals and reaching your full potential, if this person is holding you back and spends time baiting you with the intentions of bringing out the worst in you…

Why stick around? It’s not necessary. We aren’t supposed to NEED people in our lives. That’s unhealthy. That’s codependence, look into it if you don’t know what that is. We are supposed to WANT them in our lives and we are supposed to pick those who make life EASIER and LIGHTER.

The inevitable we experience in everyday life makes things hard as it is.

Why continue to deal with someone who is guaranteed to make it even more difficult? I promise you, you will be fine, if not better off because you are without them.

Throw the repulsive spice away.

Remember the way it tasted the first time you cooked with it.

Avoid using it in the future.

YOU! YES, YOU!!!

I’ve never met a happy pessimist/chronic complainer. While I’ve been in that mindset and can empathize, I’ve learned happiness is not something that just falls on to your lap. Happiness is a state of mind, it’s what you create. If you give things that make you feel bad access to your life, it’s going to make it that much harder to stay in that mindset. If you want a specific sort of life, you have to believe it will happen for you. Create positive affirmations. Learn how to truly love yourself, because self love and arrogance/vanity are two separate things. One is kindness, care, faith and confidence in your own abilities and the other is derived from fear.

I’ve made decisions that have angered people because from the outsider’s perspective, they made no sense and defied logic. However, I’ve believed wholeheartedly in my decisions because I’ve always honored my intuition. Because of that, it’s stronger than ever and I have experienced an unbelievable amount of manifestation.

I can honestly say I have never regretted a decision I’ve ever made when following my gut, but I can tell you every time I’ve ignored it, there was hell to pay and I’ve kicked myself in the ass because I knew better. I FELT that shit. I could feel what the outcome of a situation would be. I just went with the more socially acceptable choice that made others comfortable, neglecting myself in the process. It’s never paid off.

I was once kicked out of my home and found an apartment and moved in the same day. I’ve lost jobs and found ones the following day. I signed my son up for one school, because I knew wholeheartedly that he without a doubt would be accepted. It was a charter school, and months later, I received a call from the head of the school to let me know he was the first pick from their lottery system.

I was diagnosed with one of the rarest diseases in the world and was met with nothing but pessimism by doctors. I was seriously told I was better off with Leukemia.

I required a lot of medicine and my insurance got cut off. I went to pick up my medicine afterward and was told by the pharmacy, despite the cut off notices, that my medicine was free of charge.

I tried my hardest to believe that I would heal, and I did. Within 6 months, I reached remission. Doctors could not explain why because my test results weren’t very different from when I was first diagnosed. I honestly believe if I decided to live in fear of dying, that’s exactly what would’ve happened.

I wanted to sign up for an online course that was half off. It cost 180 bucks and I didn’t have the money. My husband asked me to go to the bank for him to withdraw 20 bucks. I found 200 dollars on the way over. The exact amount I needed. 20 bucks for him and exactly 180 for the class I wanted to sign up for.

My point?

Don’t be afraid to believe that what you want is possible. Don’t ditch logic, because you need it to survive everyday life but honor your gut feeling. You need both. However, learn what intuition sounds like, and trust it. Respect it. Don’t dismiss it.

Your gut feeling is the kindest, most loving voice you will ever encounter. The criticism, fear, insecurities and hateful talk? Lies. That’s not your gut speaking to you. That’s your mind being cruel to you.

I call my intuition, “My inner Grandmother Willow”, the wise and beloved character from Pocahontas who guides her from a place of love and wisdom. Your intuition will never make you feel bad about yourself, nor will it ever steer you wrong. It doesn’t chatter and go back and forth. It doesn’t debate itself. It’s deep, soulful, protective, encouraging, firm, quiet yet powerful and confident. It makes it’s presence known.

Build the life you want. It all starts with your mindset.

Some of you may read this and think I’m nuts. I’m okay with that.

The more you become YOU and strip yourself of the expectations and opinions of society and the less you crave the external acceptance and validation of others, the crazier you will look.

However, you will be at your happiest and more powerful in ways that you never imagined were even possible, because the road to happiness comes from self love and authenticity. Not the people around you.

You’ll live a life full of joy and fufillment. The obstacles in life won’t break you down, because you’ll learn they are lessons. Same with the people you dislike. The people we dislike reflect the things that we need to heal or confront within ourselves. You don’t realize it, but if you dig deep, you’ll find it’s true. Once you do, this person won’t have the same effect on you. You’ll find yourself even having compassion for them. That’s what you want. Anger and hatred serve you only no good and hold you back.

I know we all come from different walks of life. I’m not looking to force my beliefs on you, no debates necessary. Different point of views are what make life interesting.

However, I know some of you know where I’m coming from but are living in a place of fear and paralyzation.

Let my words swirl around in your mind. If you don’t agree, that’s okay. Do what works for you. If you do, or can relate, I hope this helped or encouraged you. Even if it was just a little bit ❤️

Confession

I have been physically, emotionally, verbally and mentally abused.

I, then, went out into the world and physically, emotionally, verbally and mentally abused others.

I hate that I became what I hated the most. I emulated what I witnessed because I was taught that was empowerment. That was the way you showed other people dominance. Bullying, mean comments. It meant you were tough.

However…

I have NEVER embraced these behaviors as something that people would have to just “take or leave”

I knew that although these behaviors felt impulsive, that they were wrong. The whole “impulse” thing was not an excuse. That did not make it okay.

I have never sat here for one second and thought I have no faults.

To the best of my abilities, I’ve always tried to correct the behaviors I inherited that were hurting both me and others.

Even as a child, I knew something was wrong. Even if I didn’t quite understand what exactly that was.

I’ve gone to therapy for years. It’s helped tremendously but it wasn’t foul proof. I didn’t become who I was overnight, so it took a long time to literally reprogram who I was entirely as a person.

But I tried.

Fuck, did I try.

I didn’t just go to therapy so some woman could sit there and hear me bitch about my life and play victim. I had to face a lot of truths.

Show me one person who likes to sit there and be told they have fucked up, time and time again? That shit is far from fun. It’s embarrassing and it’s painful.

I slowly incorporated what I was taught into my life. I did the exercises. I did the coping mechanisms. It was a loooooong process and my ass is far from done.

I’m sure that process was unbearable for anyone who had to deal with me at the time. I honestly didn’t know how to help myself. I had issues with emotional regulation and impulse control. I would cling to anyone who had ears to hear me vent and cry.

I understand now that that was toxic and I’m sorry if I put you in that situation. I’m pretty sure it was draining. Believe it or not, I was doing the best I could, at the time anyways.

I was expecting others to fix me, but I needed to do that.

I did learn. I’m in a healthier place. I’m happier and I’m emotionally more independent.

There is a part of me that empathizes with those who have hurt others. They are lost souls.

You know what I can’t take?

People who think they do no wrong. People who cannot apologize. People who REFUSE to apologize. People who do not self reflect. People who have no interest in empathizing with another person.

Don’t fool yourself, because about 90 percent of the time, these people know what they are doing. They know they are hurting you.

You wanna know how I know that? Because these are the same people who will flip the fuck out at the drop of a hat when they feel disrespected and boy is it a spectacle when they do!

They know they are hurting you. They just don’t give a fuck. People like that live in misery, so hurting you makes them feel better. Your happiness irks the shit out of them. I can’t respect that.

I’m done with dealing with people that behave this way. I’ve learned I leave with more pain than I do relief because these people literally do not give a fuck how much they’ve hurt you.

They would rather lose a relationship with you and never see you again than to admit the possibility that they might have hurt you and maybe, just MAYBE, they might have fucked up.

Everyone is very much “Love And Hip Hop” when it comes to confrontation. “Bitch, if you had a problem with me, why didn’t you say anything?!”

I’m sorry, but what in the fuck do you gain calling or meeting up with someone on a beautiful day to tell them how they made you feel and how they hurt you, only to be met with condescension, sarcasm, mockery, yelling, denial, invalidation, disrespect and insults?

What’s more important? Looking “tough” and being deemed as worthy by a person who could literally give two shits about your feelings, the quality of your relationship and well being OR you actually investing your time in people and activities that bring you joy and happiness?

Stop fucking with these people. Don’t waste your time worrying about their opinions, because they never cared about yours to begin with.

Focus on you, the inner work. Forgive yourself for your sins, because there is no going back. You decide who you are from this point forward.

If this does incite anger in you, ask yourself why? Is there a part of you that identifies with what I said? If this pissed you off, you have to have identified with it on some level.

There’s a great analogy YouTuber Nu Mindframe made (She’s awesome by the way, check her out)

I KNOW I’m not quoting this verbatim, but I thought the analogy was brilliant.

I am an average height, tanned, Hispanic woman.

If a stranger came up to me and said “You giant, pale Chinese bitch!!”, irate and foaming at the mouth…

I would laugh and think to myself, “This woman is insane”

Why?

Because my ass clearly is not Chinese, pale and far from being a giant.

What this person said is literally nonsense. It doesn’t apply to me. It doesn’t relate to me in the slightest. Why would it bother me?

But if it bothered you, why? Dig a little deeper. You may find the answer has way more to do with you and the way you feel about yourself subconsciously than this blog post.

Some of you may read this and feel less dirty, less alone, empowered.

Some of you may read this and really hate the fuck out of me, think I’m a hypocrite, I’m crazy

blah blah blah…

However,

I’m the one brave enough to own my fuckups, my shortcomings.

I’m the one brave enough to share them on a platform visible to the entire world.

While some of you will never look deeper than the bathroom mirror.

I’ll take my authenticity, filthy and flawed over the picture perfect shield you’ve created for yourself there any day of the week.

That’s all folks, until next time ✌🏽

Forgiveness?

I had someone contact me from my past who hurt me very deeply. I’ve always had such a hard time with forgiveness. Holding grudges has always been easier.

For a long time, I was unapologetically proud of my refusal to forgive people. I thought carrying resentment meant I was strong. I thought it made me powerful.

I subconsciously worked hard at maintaining that feeling. All the while, miserable and exhausted because hatred is draining.

I read something in the book “The 4 Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz.

I am not quoting this verbatim, but he explains that we are all doing the best we can.

We can not fault people for what they do because that’s what they were taught. They didn’t know any better. They were trained to behave the way they do since birth. We are all born innocent, a clean slate. The rest is taught to us.

Your opinions and thoughts will more than likely mirror what you experienced during childhood. So if a person is going around hurting people left and right, it is because they too are wounded. Happy and healthy people look to uplift and empower others. Hurt people are the ones who hurt others.

I came to the realization that I felt I needed to keep those grudges because they made me feel safe. I love to love. I can be very idealistic and I often root for the underdog, even if the potential I see will never realistically come to fruition. Knowing this about myself and from being burned in the past, I felt a need stay angry to keep me from developing warmth towards this person again.

I was afraid forgiveness meant rolling out the welcome mat for my offender, putting myself at risk of experiencing the same hurtful situation again.

I was afraid forgiveness would make me gullible. It was safer continue to actively dislike these people. That meant reliving these painful memories over and over again.

Every time my wound would begin to develop a scab, I’d rip it off. I thought that made me strong and tough. If I fed my hate on a consistent basis, they could never hurt me again.

Until I realized something.

I really couldn’t hate anyone. It wasn’t in my nature to truly be that way. On the contrary, I loved them. That’s what hurt the most. Every single one of them. I was very angry though and that I did not know how to let go of. Anger is usually a secondary emotion to pain.

That’s why I was having such a hard time. I was going against the grain.

As a defense mechanism, I was reliving these memories over and over again. I was fighting who I actually was inside in order to protect myself. All this negativity weighed me down. It kept me sad, depressed, miserable. I wasn’t allowing myself to heal.

I realized, I could allow myself to love this person and maybe feel some compassion for them. I didn’t have to welcome them back into my life in order to move on. I didn’t even have to speak to them ever again.

I didn’t have to hate them, but I could hate what they did to me.

I could have empathy for them because like me, this person was more than likely was also hurting.

Just like me, this person hurt others by acting out behavioral patterns they picked up on years ago and were taught to be acceptable. This person didn’t become who they were overnight. It took years and years of mistreatment in order to create what they had become.

Maybe this person wasn’t the villain I made them out to be in my mind. Maybe being an ass was easier because confronting their pain was too scary.

We are all gifted and unique in some way, shape or form. Some of us can dance better than others, cook better than others, swim better than others…

I think you get my point.

With that being said, it’s possible that the person who hurt you does not have the ability to self reflect. Some may never be brave or strong enough to stare those demons in the face and fight back.

Like you, they may have been battered. They may not even realize it. If this is the case, that is a tragedy. They will always live in a world of pain and misery. They may always repeat the same pattern. Like a song set on repeat.

Once you realize and accept this, you have to be honest with yourself. This person’s actions hurt you. People rarely change, and if they do, it will be because they want to. It won’t be because you told them to. They have to see the light on their own.

With that being said there’s a HUGE chance they will repeat the same actions again. That’s the hard cold truth.

They will continue to relive the same pattern over and over again. They don’t know any different and the ability to reflect and recognize what’s wrong just isn’t there. This is their normality.

At some point or another, we have all been the villain is someone’s story. We ALL have toxic behavioral patterns we subconsciously act out every single day. Sadly, some of us do for the rest of our lives. They aren’t much different from you.

The difference is your ability to look within and the hunger to want to do better. That will never exist for some people. They will continue to live unhappily for the rest of their lives because self reflection will never be their strong point.

It’s okay to love them. It doesn’t make you stupid. You can’t help what you feel. Instead, hate the behavior. Recognize it. Never forget how toxic and painful the experience was. Learn the lesson here, because you may encounter it again in someone else and this time, you’ll know better.

I love this person but I hate the pain they inflicted on me. I recognize this person is more than likely hurting like I am or was at some point. I realize they are more than likely living out a behavioral pattern they were taught many years ago, just like me.

I cannot judge someone for repeating the same toxic acts over and over again because once upon a time, I was that person too. I was once the bad guy too.

This behavior hurts me and does not serve my higher good. Because it is my job to love, honor and protect myself, I cannot allow this person to ever have the opportunity to do this to me again.

I can have that compassion and love, while never giving this person access to my heart and the ability to put me in the same position in the future.

We aren’t too different from the people who hurt us at some point. Maybe our behavioral pattern doesn’t resemble theirs at all. Maybe what they were taught is more harmful, more severe.

We all have one thing in common though: emotional injury.

We were all wounded, in some way, shape or form. We are all subsciously repeating some sort of pattern we witnessed as children and I can guarantee you’ve hurt someone as a result of it. It just manifests itself in ways you’ve probably never realized.

When I allowed myself to see things this way, my anger subsided a bit.

So, if you still love someone who hurt you and feel shame for it, don’t.

It’s okay to love them. You don’t have to hate them. But you can hate what they did to you and never permit that sort of treatment from anyone ever again.

Learn the moral of the story. Don’t let that experience block your blessings and growth.

Love, learn, live and move on. Focus on your healing. You don’t have to allow this person back into your life. Let go of the hate though. It will eat you alive whether you realize it or not.

If you held a snake and it bit you so hard, it drew blood, would you continue to make yourself vulnerable to the animal? Would you continue to offer your hand? Would you lose sleep, time and energy reliving the injury in your mind over and over again?

No, probably not.

You’d realize that that is the snake’s nature. It will never change. You just know better next time, but you aren’t allowing that animal to rent space in your mind.

A snake is a snake. No matter how friendly you are, you can’t ignore the fact that it may always view you as prey. Recognize that, and move on.

This will not work for everyone. I get that. Forgiveness is tough. Some people die never coming to peace with the issue or the person who hurt them. Pain has the capability to be so horrific, the thought of even trying can induce a breakdown.

Changing my perspective worked for me. I mean, the healing process isn’t instantaneous. However, I feel like I’ve begun to release the poison that lived in my body for a long time. It’s a good feeling.

As always, much love to you all.

Thank you for reading ❤️

How To Heal From Your Emotional Wounds

I usually try to structure and edit my blogs really well. I usually try to keep things interesting, my language creative and colorful. I try my best to write my feelings down using the most precise and appropriate words but today’s blog post is a little different…

I was on Facebook and someone expressed on a post that they were suppressing and struggling with healing from childhood/emotional/inner child wounds. This is something I’ve been working on lately.

There’s really little to no editing on this. I just figured that the message and the point are far more important here than diction and wit.

This has helped me release so much emotionally and has provided me with a fresh start, feeling better than ever. I hope it may have the same effect on you.

So… ready to dive in? Let’s go.

How to heal the emotional wound?

The only way you can release it is to confront it.

Writing is an excellent tool when it comes to healing. Do free association writing, basically writing every thought that comes to your mind.

Self empathy. I’ve been practicing emotional self healing. I do this through writing.

Pick a time you are completely alone and free at home. A day where you are relaxed and undisturbed.

Beginning with a meditation may help. Do whatever helps you get into that state best. Music is helpful. I listen to singing bowls, nature sounds, spa/meditation music. You can find them on YouTube as well if you don’t have a streaming service membership. You can also light a candle. Exercise before hand. That may help you relax before you start the meditation.

Then… I call on that memory intentionally and try to relive it.

It’s scary, yes.

But in order to heal, you’re going to need an open mind and you have to be willing to try things that may seem hard at first, but are for your higher good.

The moment I feel any emotion, I freeze and label it. That emotion is the wounded child speaking to you. It’s tugging at your sleeve. It wants your attention.

Validate it.

Tell them that they have every right to feel the way they do. Tell them that you love them, are not here to judge, how it is that you can help?

If you can’t remember the memory, that’s okay. Keep writing. You’ll be surprised what you might reveal to yourself.

Vent from the emotion the inner child is feeling. Let yourself feel that emotion and write down how everything in that moment.

Allow yourself to get mad. Being angry doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s normal and a human emotion you cannot help. The problem is what you choose to do with that anger, how you choose to express yourself.

Allow yourself to break down, allow yourself to cry. It’s not a bad thing. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Crying is a normal, human experience and is just as natural as going to the bathroom. Matter of fact, anyone who knows me well knows that I refer to it as “Taking an emotional shit”. It just needs to get done.

The problem is what you were conditioned to think crying was and meant. You were raise to think crying was something to be ashamed of, a sign of weakness or something to mock.

Never let anyone make you feel that way. What’s easy is pretending your pain doesn’t exist. It takes way more strength to acknowledge your pain exists and to move on from it. Anyone who has gone through that process knows that.

Crying is healing. You are flushing out the emotional waste. You’re purging the trauma and cleansing.

Tell the inner child that you are sorry that that experience happened to them, that there was no one there to protect them. That you love them. That you’re here to protect them. You need to validate that inner child. It’s so important.

After that, ask what it is at that moment, you can do to make that inner child happy, and allow only healthy coping mechanisms as an option.

Sing, dance, go for a walk, maybe to the park. Exercise, write, read. Watch something funny. Something that’s going to make you feel good.

Guarantee that after you do this, you’ll feel better. You took the power away from that memory and it will never have that sort of effect on you from that point on.

I’m sorry for the novel. This is the way I have been processing and moving on from the trauma I’ve experienced and worked wonders for me.

Candace Van Dell is an amazing youtuber. Watch her videos on emotional healing and validating the inner child, how to control your emotions. She helped me so much.

If you try it out, and it doesn’t work out, that’s okay. Not everything works for everyone.

If you’re committed to your healing process, but feel you are not in a space to go that deep yet, don’t feel bad or be hard on yourself.

This sort of thing is called a process for a reason. It takes time. As long as you commit to loving yourself to the best of your abilities, you will find the best healing mechanism that works for you.

Meditate on it, you might find it may come to you ❤️

Have a wonderful day, until next time 💫

The Death Of The False Self

I feel like I have nothing in common with most people and have felt this way for most of my life.

Truth be told, I never cared for casual hangouts. I only tolerated them in hopes of developing deep connections with people in the future and it didn’t happen.

For over 10 years, I made the effort to try to connect with others by overextending myself, throwing social gatherings, racking my brain to try to come up with shit to talk about. I would literally talk just to TALK.

When I did, it was to mainly gossip. Surface level, toxic shit that now seems so irrelevant and silly. I did not understand how detrimental it all was.

I would tell people everything about my life to seem relatable. I would talk only about what was wrong with my life and I even went as far as discussing the less desirable parts of my marriage in an attempt to look cool, while omitting all the wonderful parts, taking it for granted.

You want to hear the funny part? I hid the good because I thought if I talked about being happy with my husband or being happy in general, I would annoy people.

Yup. I didn’t discuss my happiness out of fear that it would get on people’s nerves.

I look back now, and knowing what I know, if speaking about your happiness annoys others, are you really amongst the right people?

I was disloyal to the one person who has always shown me unconditional loyalty for the sake of being again, more likable. I valued the opinions of others more than I respected the privacy of my marriage and wish I could take it all back.

I don’t really drink anymore. I’m not saying I’ll never have one again. I just now understand I had an unhealthy relationship with it (I don’t understand what a healthy relationship with alcohol is considering the shit has no nutritional benefits or benefits in general but whatever.)

I would drink to calm my nerves to get along with people and rid myself of social anxiety. To be considered entertaining and fun.

One of my biggest goals is to learn to be completely confident, comfortable and have a good time without the help of alcohol. Self love and acceptance basically.

I don’t care enough anymore to consume something that’s bad for me for the sake of having fun with someone else.

Think about it.

Would you need to drink if there were a real, healthy connection there to begin with?

It’s feeling like there’s something wrong with you as a person that makes you want to do anything to alter your personality.

Since when is being liked worth risking your safety, health and even dignity?

I’d wake up to find out that I’d made a fool out of myself the night before. The people who heavily encouraged drinking the next time we hung out were usually more interested in laughing at me than with me.

Today, I care most about whether I like myself and how my husband and son feel about me.

My energy is now directed towards myself and my family. It’s really just that simple.

If we have shit in common and things just flow organically, cool.

If not, it is what it is. That’s life. It’s nothing personal.

I know how this all sounds and I understand it may come across as holier than thou, pretentious, rude… maybe even nasty.

But when you put effort into trying to connect with everyone the majority of your young adulthood and you’re only met with apathy…

You reach the point where you just get tired of the lack of reciprocation and if you’re lucky, learn to make yourself the focal point instead. Forcing myself to relate to others always came to my expense, whether it was mentally, emotionally or even physically.

I chose to live a life of solitude in 2018. I didn’t understand why at first. I just knew I was unhappy and that my life needed to drastically change. Although difficult and depressing, I knew intuitively I was doing what was best for me.

As a result, I got to know myself. Being by yourself, you have no choice but to be exactly that. YOURSELF. It becomes addicting. You learn what you like, love, and hate without anyone’s opinions and criticism. There is no one to impress.

By living a life true to yourself, you become happier and healthier. You develop new hobbies. You become independent. Self sufficient. Easier decision making from listening to your inner voice rather than seeking external validation. You’re finally comfortable and capable of keeping yourself entertained. There isn’t a better feeling.

It comes with a price though…

When you become used to being true to yourself, it makes you HYPER aware of those moments where you feel the need to suppress or change your character.

Being something other than your authentic self feels intolerable. You lose ability to people please. The capability to endure discomfort to fit in now feels like putting on a pair of 5 inch heels for me. Sure they fit and they look good, but they hurt and give you blisters. I’d much rather throw mine in the ocean and run around barefoot.

You can never go back to being the same person again.

I’d say it’s worth it.

I’m not coming from a place of bitterness, but from a place of true desire to achieve genuine fulfillment and happiness.

I write everyday about everything because it’s therapeutic. The act of writing played a huge part in this process and still does. I learn more about myself and it helps me make sense of the world around me. I find solutions to my issues because I have a better understanding of them.

Through writing, I confront myself and you need to confront yourself in order to grow.

This blog forces me to write about things that make me uncomfortable and that’s the only way I’ve seen any positive changes in myself. By facing what brings me discomfort.

I share because you might relate too.

Who knows, maybe I’ll meet someone going through the same thing?

Maybe you’re behaving this way and need to know it’s unhealthy. Maybe you needed to read this to learn to focus on yourself more than others.

Look into codependency, because that’s what that experience was. Thankfully, I understand that now. I might blog about codependency in the future. It’s a painful yet very common issue that many people struggle with and probably don’t even know is a thing.

I made the choice not to accommodate anything that makes me feel less than or bad about who I am anymore.

If there’s no love, integrity, emotional support, concern, sensitivity, acceptance, encouragement, or inspiration…

It ain’t for me.

Confrontation Is Pointless

I’ve realized in my life that unless you’re trying to find a solution to an issue with someone who has demonstrated and reciprocated emotional investment and you know by experience is honest and has the ability to self reflect…

OR

Involves you cutting a check…

Confrontation is POINTLESS.

Point. Blank. Period.

It will bring you to high stress levels capable of impacting your body harmfully.

What you tell them could be completely accurate and they will STILL look you dead in the eye and tell you you’re wrong, that it did not happen, that that person is lying, so on and so forth.

It’s super common to be gaslit during confrontation. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where a person straight up lies about factual information (many times regarding situations you witnessed with your own eyes) to give you the impression that you cannot trust your own senses, leaving you questioning your own sanity.

Do not be surprised if you leave that situation enraged, red faced, bamboozled, and ready to commit a crime.

I highly suggest everyone, especially those of you who came from abusive homes or abusive relationships to learn the definitions of emotional abuse, psychological abuse, verbal abuse, narcissistic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, manipulation and to research manipulation tactics. This could save you in so many ways you don’t even realize.

But, back to the topic at hand.

People lie. All the time. To each other and to themselves.

The truth is too scary. It’s easier to point the finger at you and make you the villain than to look within and confront their demons. To admit that you are right would mean coming to terms with the fact that they are not perfect. That they, like everyone else, fuck up from time to time. That they have some sort of emotional wound that still remains open, raw. infected and untouched.

That’s too painful to face and most people refuse to go that deep. Despite rare exceptions, people do not change. They rarely will for their own healing and they most certainly will not do it for you.

Instead, pay attention to action. Pay attention to your gut. When you feel you aren’t being told the truth, pretend you’re listening to Charlie Brown’s teacher.

Pay attention to the face, the body. Pretend you’re deaf. Do they look sad? Remorseful? Emotional? Pay attention to the actions. Are they demonstrating their claims through their behavior?

If they don’t, distance yourself and work on your own healing. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Your mental and emotional health should always precede another person and their needs. That is their responsibility.

If you really feel the need to tell them off, do so in a note and don’t send it. Delete it, burn it, throw it in the ocean. Whatever. Do it in mirror and pretend that’s them you see in the reflection. Curse them the fuck out. Scream, point your fingers, jump up and down, punch your mattress. Get that shit out of your system and walk away.

Please make sure you’re home alone and there’s no one around to hear you though. Don’t end up with the cops at your door because the neighbors thought you committed a murder when you were actually assaulting your pillow.

Make yourself the focal point. That’s your job. There’s a reason why you’re told by the flight attendants on a plane “Put your own oxygen mask on first.”

What do you love to do? What are your goals and aspirations? If you love doing something, do it more. If you hate something, do it less or avoid it all together. (I am not referring to necessary responsibility)

When you learn to love and accept yourself, the company of others is only optional.

Love yourself the way you would your child. Would you encourage your child to play with children who are mean and make them feel bad? Nope, you’d protect them. Why wouldn’t you do the same for yourself? Shield your heart the same way. You come first, choose yourself first.

Sending you all much love always ❤️

Soul Revival Tip #2: Laughter

One day, my husband and I had a disagreement. It was safe to say we were not each other’s favorite people at the moment. I was home and upset. I decided I needed to get my mind off of the issue. I wanted to shake off those negative emotions. So I decided to watch a stand up comedy.

As I watched, I laughed and laughed until my belly hurt and I thought I was going to piss myself. I had a moment of awareness in that instant. I scanned my emotional self and realized that although the problem with my husband and I had not been resolved, I felt better. My mood lifted and I felt lighter. I felt more at peace and joyful.

I came to the conclusion that the laughter that was induced by the comedy I was watching was responsible for this. I felt happier from laughing. Intrigued, I decided to perform sort of an experiment.

I played the stand up from the beginning when my husband arrived from work. I knew he was not going to sit down, let alone with me, and watch the film willingly. I raised the volume loud enough so that it could be heard from the other rooms while simultaneously keeping the neighbors from losing their hearing.

I could tell he was still pissed off at me. I greeted him hesitantly and let him be, giving him time to cool off. I noticed as the film played that although he was not watching it, it caught his attention and he was listening.

I watched his stiff, rigid body soften before my eyes. He gradually began to unwind. His breathing slowed. He would turn to the screen periodically and eventually, sat right next to me to watch.

As the film went on, he watched and listened intensely, even allowing a chuckle to escape his lips from time to time. Before I knew it, he was not angry anymore. He turned to me and I’m pretty sure said “Okay, what do you want to eat?” kindly. We made up after that.

Laughter, although induced by the film, made us feel better. It lifted our spirits. It took our minds off of the issue at hand. It calmed us and brought us to a more rational, relaxed state. That tranquility provided us with the clarity we needed in order to realize that our dispute was not a big deal. Not only were we able to carry on with the evening, but we were both in better places mentally and emotionally.

There are many studies that show laughter has the capability to trigger endorphins (the “happy” hormone), relax the body, stop distressing emotions, help you reenergize, calm stress hormones, as well as ease anxiety.

As for physical benefits, laughter can bring down blood pressure, burn calories, raise the production of immune cells and infection fighting antibodies (improving resistance to disease), renew the lungs, as well as relaxing the muscles relieving tension.

Laughter is so powerful that different establishments have been created in order to receive those benefits. There are laughter clubs, which is defined as a group of people gathering to practice laughter. There is laughter yoga, which is basically yoga and a laughter club combined. There is even laughter therapy, where patients in the hospital are presented with humorous activities to revitalize their bodies and spirits. Some medical professionals also make the effort to make their patients laugh because they know that it will improve the patient’s well-being.

So the next time you’re not feeling so hot, laugh. Find reasons to laugh. Watch a stand up comedy like I did that evening. Watch a funny video on YouTube or play your favorite comedic film. Call or hang out with a funny friend. Go to a comedy club. Play with your pet, tickle your kids (don’t kill them in the process). Your mental, physical and spiritual self will thank you for it later.

Age Becomes Her: My New And Improved Skin Care Routine

“There’s something about turning 30 that just changes your skin. Everything starts to go downhill and you start noticing all sorts of new stuff going on” said a friend of mine once. I hadn’t hit that milestone in life yet and my skin was pretty much the same as always, so I didn’t think much of what she said.

Now, at 31 years old, I know what the fuck she’s talking about.

A little history about my skin:

For the most part, I had no complaints. My skin was more combination/oily like. It was clear and glowy. I’m not going to lie, I was kind of blessed for a while. Growing up, I had no skin care routine. I was not kind to my skin at all and would wash my face with whatever bar of soap was laying around in the soap dish (I know some of you are either cringing right now or strangling me in your head). After washing, I didn’t use a moisturizer. My face wouldn’t feel tight, dry or uncomfortable either. I would go on my merry way without a care in the world.

In my mid twenties, I started using black african soap and coconut oil to moisturize. That worked for me for quite sometime.

Not anymore.

After turning 30, I started noticing some changes in my skin. It was much, much drier than ever. The skin around my jaw was becoming rough from the cold weather. My face looked sort of gray. It was rough, tight, dull and lifeless. I also always looked very tired. I had very dark circles around my eyes. I started seeing these tiny, little dark spots appearing on my cheeks and the sides of my face. I had a red spot between my left eye and nose. It was like a blotch with a bump on it. It wasn’t a pimple, it didn’t feel like irritation, it wasn’t painful or itchy. It was just THERE and did not go away.

I’d also noticed very few but new wrinkles making an appearance. Nothing crazy, but they did catch me off guard. I started developing faint laugh lines. I also had a bit on my forehead and a small one in between my eyebrows, probably from scrunching them together any time I was presented with stupidity (Go scrunch your eyebrows in the mirror right now, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about).

My skin is sensitive now. Anytime I washed or even wet it, I’d break out into hives all over my cheeks. I’ve gotten back into makeup as a hobby and washing my face started to become a task I’d approach with dread from the discomfort I’d experience. I needed to come to terms with it. My skin had changed, and if I wanted to see improvement, my skincare routine would have to change as well.

Black african soap worked well for me in the past. When I’d done my research before, I’d read that it was suitable for all sorts of skin types and treated all sorts of skin issues. I started to feel like it was now making my face feel very dry because it was stripping too much of its moisture. Besides being uncomfortable, dry skin is also breeding grounds for wrinkles and aging. I don’t need help with the natural, inevitable process, no thank you!

I love coconut oil and used it as a facial moisturizer for years. It always left my face feeling so soft and gave it a healthy appearance. Now.. not so much. I’d read in the past that although some swear by it, many others claimed they experienced severe, even cystic acne from using it. There are many natural oils that can be used on the face and on the comedogenic scale (rates how likely a substance is to clog your pores and create acne) and from 0-5, coconut oil has a rating of 4. Yep. Yikes! A 0-2 rating is typically considered safe, so you’re taking a gamble and playing with fire using a substance with a higher rating.

Now, if you love coconut oil, find that it works for you and has been for quite some time, do not panic. It does work well for some, but is mostly recommended for the body and hair or for people who are not acne prone, at your own risk. If you’ve been using it on your face and there hasn’t been an issue, by all means proceed. Just keep this information in mind.

I decided to start looking into different face washes and facial moisturizers to suit my new facial skin needs. I needed something that did the job but because I’m a stay at home mom, affordable.

I ventured the beauty supply store, looking for anything that looked promising when I came across Aveeno. I perked up. Aveeno has a reputation for producing gentle and effective products, so that in itself interested me.

I read all the labels and decided on two products. The Ultra Calming hydrating gel cleanser, which claimed to be fragrance free, non comedogenic, hypoallergenic and non drying while having the capability of hydrating and cleansing the skin of any dirt, oil, pollutants and makeup without disrupting the skin’s moisture barrier. The cleanser retailed at $8.99. I also grabbed the Positively Radiant Sheer daily moisturizer with SPF 30 with total soy complex. If you’re looking for something preventative for signs of aging and wrinkles, you NEED something with an SPF to protect you from sun damage, STAT! This product promised to even your skin’s tone and texture, improve the look of brown spots, reduce blotchiness and discoloration, while revealing more radiant skin in as little as 4 weeks. Like the cleanser, this product was also non comedogenic, hypoallergenic, as well as oil free. The moisturizer was $19.99, not super cheap but less expensive than something you might consider buying at Sephora.

I’m a sucker for natural remedies, so I started looking into other oils I could use on my face that were non comedogenic and could treat my problem areas as well. I came across sweet almond oil. Almond oil has a rating of 2 on the comedogenic scale (safe) and is suitable for those with dry, sensitive and acne prone skin. Almond oil is jammed packed with vitamins A and E, monosaturated fatty acids, protein, potassium and zinc. This oil has the capability of keeping your skin cells in good shape, shielding your skin from sun damage, preventing and diminishing wrinkles, holding moisture and repairing irritated skin, minimizing acne and lightening dark circles. Woooo!! That was a mouthful. I was impressed by all of this information. This oil seemed to target all of the issues I’d been experiencing. I went to GNC and picked up a bottle. It was about 15 bucks, but it’s a 16 oz bottle of oil. Believe me when I say a bit goes a long way. This stuff is going to last you forever!

I’ve been using all three of these products for the past 2 weeks and I’ve got to be honest, I already see a difference.

First off, Aveeno is the s*!#. The cleanser is amazing. I honestly did not know what to expect. I never bought moisturizing products in the past because they left me feeling dirty or greasy, but not this. I was also skeptical because gentle face washes tend to be a bit TOO mild and won’t wash makeup off your face efficiently. Not this stuff. This stuff is a dream. It got rid of every trace. All of it!!! It leaves your face feeling smooth, clean and soft. The pores on my nose even looked smaller. No more dryness. No more tightness. No irritation and hives. I am able to wash my face without looking like The Thing anymore. I genuinely appreciate that.

The moisturizer is amazing as well. My skin is starting to look like it’s lit from with in, like a jack o lantern (in a good way). My skin is soft, and this moisturizer absorbs quickly. I can apply it, wait five minutes and then put on my makeup with no problem. No greasiness, no oily, shiny t-zone, no residue. My complexion straight up just LOOKS nicer.

The sweet almond oil is to die for. It’s so lightweight and absorbs into the skin quickly as well. I don’t generally use oil on my body after a shower because I don’t like to wait around for it to penetrate into my skin. It can take forever. For the sake of trying it out, I used almond oil on my entire body after a shower and was able to get dressed after five minutes without worrying about staining my clothes. I mix a drop or so in my facial moisturizer and I’ve been using it around my eyes, wrinkles and the red spot I mentioned earlier. Not even kidding, I’ve noticed my eye area has brightened a bit. The wrinkles are still there but are definitely less prominent because the oil has plumped the skin up, making them less defined. That red spot? Straight up 90 percent gone. Yep. It shrunk down so much, it’s barely visible. I just noticed this morning and was shocked. That’s actually what compelled me to blog about it today. I couldn’t believe it and couldn’t wait to share.

I’ve been wearing more makeup lately to look more lively and awake but I’m so impressed with the changes I’m seeing within the past two weeks, I don’t feel I need to cover as much anymore. I am looking forward to seeing the progression as time goes on.

I am not sponsored by Aveeno (It would be nice though Aveeno!!!), I am just super excited and I figured I’d share my experience with you guys. If you’re experiencing similar issues with your skin, consider trying some of the products I’ve discussed yourself. You might find yourself pleasantly surprised!!