Stop F$!?#%* Asking Me How You Look

I hate when people ask me what they should do with their appearance.

I am flattered you value my opinion, don’t get me wrong. However, why do you care what I think?

What I think does not matter.

I was surrounded by standard beauty growing up and wasn’t really able to express my individuality until over the age of 18.

When I did, I was literally criticized all the time.

I have colored my hair all sorts of colors and have been judged for it.

I have cut my hair and have been picked apart for it.

I’ve had about 4-5 piercings in my face and was criticized for it.

I have had outfits that I have been put down for wearing.

I’ve been given funny looks and have been told things like:

“Why did you do that?”

“You looked prettier before”

“I liked your hair when it was longer”

“I liked your hair when it was darker”

“Why did you do that to your face?”

“No, that doesn’t look right”

Yet, I kept doing my own thing because I felt good.

I liked what I saw in the mirror.

What I saw made me happy and it made me feel brave, bold and unique to stand out from the crowd.

I also received lot of praise and compliments such as:

“My goodness, that’s so beautiful”

“I wish I could do that”

“I wish I had the face for that”

I’ve even had people reach out to me to thank me because I inspired them to make changes they desperately wanted to make for their own appearance.

That always felt really, really good.

The approval was irrelevant to me. It was thrilling to try new things to look the way I wanted. Had I lived according to everyone’s opinions, I wouldn’t have taken those risks that ultimately resulted in my happiness and satisfaction.

When I did choose to go around asking for the opinions of others, I was told not to because it would look ugly, bad, disgusting, etc..

The irony? The same people who would hit me with criticism started looking a lot like me.

The criticism you hear from others is coming from a place of someone else’s fears and limitations. These people are afraid to be themselves and to stray from what’s considered acceptable. Why would they encourage you to be bold and unique when they don’t even have the balls to do it themselves? Only when YOU break the mold and receive the praise, do they feel safe enough to do the same. Mostly because they desire the same positive reaction others gave you.

In reality, they still aren’t being themselves. We don’t know what and who they are and what they like because THEY don’t know who they are and what they like. That’s why they go around copying everyone’s shit. They want the same admiration you got. You’d be surprised that sometimes your critics are your greatest fans.

Wear and look however and whichever way you want. Fuck what anyone else thinks because again, those who pick on you for it are more often than not undercover fans.

I say this a lot and I’m going to say it again.

The only path to happiness is authenticity.

You express authenticity through appearance.

Look the way you want and OWN THAT SHIT. UNAPOLOGETICALLY.

Fuck what anyone else thinks.

That right there is what earns you respect.

At this point of my life, I’d rather be respected than accepted.

YOU! YES, YOU!!!

I’ve never met a happy pessimist/chronic complainer. While I’ve been in that mindset and can empathize, I’ve learned happiness is not something that just falls on to your lap. Happiness is a state of mind, it’s what you create. If you give things that make you feel bad access to your life, it’s going to make it that much harder to stay in that mindset. If you want a specific sort of life, you have to believe it will happen for you. Create positive affirmations. Learn how to truly love yourself, because self love and arrogance/vanity are two separate things. One is kindness, care, faith and confidence in your own abilities and the other is derived from fear.

I’ve made decisions that have angered people because from the outsider’s perspective, they made no sense and defied logic. However, I’ve believed wholeheartedly in my decisions because I’ve always honored my intuition. Because of that, it’s stronger than ever and I have experienced an unbelievable amount of manifestation.

I can honestly say I have never regretted a decision I’ve ever made when following my gut, but I can tell you every time I’ve ignored it, there was hell to pay and I’ve kicked myself in the ass because I knew better. I FELT that shit. I could feel what the outcome of a situation would be. I just went with the more socially acceptable choice that made others comfortable, neglecting myself in the process. It’s never paid off.

I was once kicked out of my home and found an apartment and moved in the same day. I’ve lost jobs and found ones the following day. I signed my son up for one school, because I knew wholeheartedly that he without a doubt would be accepted. It was a charter school, and months later, I received a call from the head of the school to let me know he was the first pick from their lottery system.

I was diagnosed with one of the rarest diseases in the world and was met with nothing but pessimism by doctors. I was seriously told I was better off with Leukemia.

I required a lot of medicine and my insurance got cut off. I went to pick up my medicine afterward and was told by the pharmacy, despite the cut off notices, that my medicine was free of charge.

I tried my hardest to believe that I would heal, and I did. Within 6 months, I reached remission. Doctors could not explain why because my test results weren’t very different from when I was first diagnosed. I honestly believe if I decided to live in fear of dying, that’s exactly what would’ve happened.

I wanted to sign up for an online course that was half off. It cost 180 bucks and I didn’t have the money. My husband asked me to go to the bank for him to withdraw 20 bucks. I found 200 dollars on the way over. The exact amount I needed. 20 bucks for him and exactly 180 for the class I wanted to sign up for.

My point?

Don’t be afraid to believe that what you want is possible. Don’t ditch logic, because you need it to survive everyday life but honor your gut feeling. You need both. However, learn what intuition sounds like, and trust it. Respect it. Don’t dismiss it.

Your gut feeling is the kindest, most loving voice you will ever encounter. The criticism, fear, insecurities and hateful talk? Lies. That’s not your gut speaking to you. That’s your mind being cruel to you.

I call my intuition, “My inner Grandmother Willow”, the wise and beloved character from Pocahontas who guides her from a place of love and wisdom. Your intuition will never make you feel bad about yourself, nor will it ever steer you wrong. It doesn’t chatter and go back and forth. It doesn’t debate itself. It’s deep, soulful, protective, encouraging, firm, quiet yet powerful and confident. It makes it’s presence known.

Build the life you want. It all starts with your mindset.

Some of you may read this and think I’m nuts. I’m okay with that.

The more you become YOU and strip yourself of the expectations and opinions of society and the less you crave the external acceptance and validation of others, the crazier you will look.

However, you will be at your happiest and more powerful in ways that you never imagined were even possible, because the road to happiness comes from self love and authenticity. Not the people around you.

You’ll live a life full of joy and fufillment. The obstacles in life won’t break you down, because you’ll learn they are lessons. Same with the people you dislike. The people we dislike reflect the things that we need to heal or confront within ourselves. You don’t realize it, but if you dig deep, you’ll find it’s true. Once you do, this person won’t have the same effect on you. You’ll find yourself even having compassion for them. That’s what you want. Anger and hatred serve you only no good and hold you back.

I know we all come from different walks of life. I’m not looking to force my beliefs on you, no debates necessary. Different point of views are what make life interesting.

However, I know some of you know where I’m coming from but are living in a place of fear and paralyzation.

Let my words swirl around in your mind. If you don’t agree, that’s okay. Do what works for you. If you do, or can relate, I hope this helped or encouraged you. Even if it was just a little bit ❤️

The Death Of The False Self

I feel like I have nothing in common with most people and have felt this way for most of my life.

Truth be told, I never cared for casual hangouts. I only tolerated them in hopes of developing deep connections with people in the future and it didn’t happen.

For over 10 years, I made the effort to try to connect with others by overextending myself, throwing social gatherings, racking my brain to try to come up with shit to talk about. I would literally talk just to TALK.

When I did, it was to mainly gossip. Surface level, toxic shit that now seems so irrelevant and silly. I did not understand how detrimental it all was.

I would tell people everything about my life to seem relatable. I would talk only about what was wrong with my life and I even went as far as discussing the less desirable parts of my marriage in an attempt to look cool, while omitting all the wonderful parts, taking it for granted.

You want to hear the funny part? I hid the good because I thought if I talked about being happy with my husband or being happy in general, I would annoy people.

Yup. I didn’t discuss my happiness out of fear that it would get on people’s nerves.

I look back now, and knowing what I know, if speaking about your happiness annoys others, are you really amongst the right people?

I was disloyal to the one person who has always shown me unconditional loyalty for the sake of being again, more likable. I valued the opinions of others more than I respected the privacy of my marriage and wish I could take it all back.

I don’t really drink anymore. I’m not saying I’ll never have one again. I just now understand I had an unhealthy relationship with it (I don’t understand what a healthy relationship with alcohol is considering the shit has no nutritional benefits or benefits in general but whatever.)

I would drink to calm my nerves to get along with people and rid myself of social anxiety. To be considered entertaining and fun.

One of my biggest goals is to learn to be completely confident, comfortable and have a good time without the help of alcohol. Self love and acceptance basically.

I don’t care enough anymore to consume something that’s bad for me for the sake of having fun with someone else.

Think about it.

Would you need to drink if there were a real, healthy connection there to begin with?

It’s feeling like there’s something wrong with you as a person that makes you want to do anything to alter your personality.

Since when is being liked worth risking your safety, health and even dignity?

I’d wake up to find out that I’d made a fool out of myself the night before. The people who heavily encouraged drinking the next time we hung out were usually more interested in laughing at me than with me.

Today, I care most about whether I like myself and how my husband and son feel about me.

My energy is now directed towards myself and my family. It’s really just that simple.

If we have shit in common and things just flow organically, cool.

If not, it is what it is. That’s life. It’s nothing personal.

I know how this all sounds and I understand it may come across as holier than thou, pretentious, rude… maybe even nasty.

But when you put effort into trying to connect with everyone the majority of your young adulthood and you’re only met with apathy…

You reach the point where you just get tired of the lack of reciprocation and if you’re lucky, learn to make yourself the focal point instead. Forcing myself to relate to others always came to my expense, whether it was mentally, emotionally or even physically.

I chose to live a life of solitude in 2018. I didn’t understand why at first. I just knew I was unhappy and that my life needed to drastically change. Although difficult and depressing, I knew intuitively I was doing what was best for me.

As a result, I got to know myself. Being by yourself, you have no choice but to be exactly that. YOURSELF. It becomes addicting. You learn what you like, love, and hate without anyone’s opinions and criticism. There is no one to impress.

By living a life true to yourself, you become happier and healthier. You develop new hobbies. You become independent. Self sufficient. Easier decision making from listening to your inner voice rather than seeking external validation. You’re finally comfortable and capable of keeping yourself entertained. There isn’t a better feeling.

It comes with a price though…

When you become used to being true to yourself, it makes you HYPER aware of those moments where you feel the need to suppress or change your character.

Being something other than your authentic self feels intolerable. You lose ability to people please. The capability to endure discomfort to fit in now feels like putting on a pair of 5 inch heels for me. Sure they fit and they look good, but they hurt and give you blisters. I’d much rather throw mine in the ocean and run around barefoot.

You can never go back to being the same person again.

I’d say it’s worth it.

I’m not coming from a place of bitterness, but from a place of true desire to achieve genuine fulfillment and happiness.

I write everyday about everything because it’s therapeutic. The act of writing played a huge part in this process and still does. I learn more about myself and it helps me make sense of the world around me. I find solutions to my issues because I have a better understanding of them.

Through writing, I confront myself and you need to confront yourself in order to grow.

This blog forces me to write about things that make me uncomfortable and that’s the only way I’ve seen any positive changes in myself. By facing what brings me discomfort.

I share because you might relate too.

Who knows, maybe I’ll meet someone going through the same thing?

Maybe you’re behaving this way and need to know it’s unhealthy. Maybe you needed to read this to learn to focus on yourself more than others.

Look into codependency, because that’s what that experience was. Thankfully, I understand that now. I might blog about codependency in the future. It’s a painful yet very common issue that many people struggle with and probably don’t even know is a thing.

I made the choice not to accommodate anything that makes me feel less than or bad about who I am anymore.

If there’s no love, integrity, emotional support, concern, sensitivity, acceptance, encouragement, or inspiration…

It ain’t for me.