I have been physically, emotionally, verbally and mentally abused.
I, then, went out into the world and physically, emotionally, verbally and mentally abused others.
I hate that I became what I hated the most. I emulated what I witnessed because I was taught that was empowerment. That was the way you showed other people dominance. Bullying, mean comments. It meant you were tough.
I have NEVER embraced these behaviors as something that people would have to just “take or leave”
I knew that although these behaviors felt impulsive, that they were wrong. The whole “impulse” thing was not an excuse. That did not make it okay.
I have never sat here for one second and thought I have no faults.
To the best of my abilities, I’ve always tried to correct the behaviors I inherited that were hurting both me and others.
Even as a child, I knew something was wrong. Even if I didn’t quite understand what exactly that was.
I’ve gone to therapy for years. It’s helped tremendously but it wasn’t foul proof. I didn’t become who I was overnight, so it took a long time to literally reprogram who I was entirely as a person.
But I tried.
Fuck, did I try.
I didn’t just go to therapy so some woman could sit there and hear me bitch about my life and play victim. I had to face a lot of truths.
Show me one person who likes to sit there and be told they have fucked up, time and time again? That shit is far from fun. It’s embarrassing and it’s painful.
I slowly incorporated what I was taught into my life. I did the exercises. I did the coping mechanisms. It was a loooooong process and my ass is far from done.
I’m sure that process was unbearable for anyone who had to deal with me at the time. I honestly didn’t know how to help myself. I had issues with emotional regulation and impulse control. I would cling to anyone who had ears to hear me vent and cry.
I understand now that that was toxic and I’m sorry if I put you in that situation. I’m pretty sure it was draining. Believe it or not, I was doing the best I could, at the time anyways.
I was expecting others to fix me, but I needed to do that.
I did learn. I’m in a healthier place. I’m happier and I’m emotionally more independent.
There is a part of me that empathizes with those who have hurt others. They are lost souls.
You know what I can’t take?
People who think they do no wrong. People who cannot apologize. People who REFUSE to apologize. People who do not self reflect. People who have no interest in empathizing with another person.
Don’t fool yourself, because about 90 percent of the time, these people know what they are doing. They know they are hurting you.
You wanna know how I know that? Because these are the same people who will flip the fuck out at the drop of a hat when they feel disrespected and boy is it a spectacle when they do!
They know they are hurting you. They just don’t give a fuck. People like that live in misery, so hurting you makes them feel better. Your happiness irks the shit out of them. I can’t respect that.
I’m done with dealing with people that behave this way. I’ve learned I leave with more pain than I do relief because these people literally do not give a fuck how much they’ve hurt you.
They would rather lose a relationship with you and never see you again than to admit the possibility that they might have hurt you and maybe, just MAYBE, they might have fucked up.
Everyone is very much “Love And Hip Hop” when it comes to confrontation. “Bitch, if you had a problem with me, why didn’t you say anything?!”
I’m sorry, but what in the fuck do you gain calling or meeting up with someone on a beautiful day to tell them how they made you feel and how they hurt you, only to be met with condescension, sarcasm, mockery, yelling, denial, invalidation, disrespect and insults?
What’s more important? Looking “tough” and being deemed as worthy by a person who could literally give two shits about your feelings, the quality of your relationship and well being OR you actually investing your time in people and activities that bring you joy and happiness?
Stop fucking with these people. Don’t waste your time worrying about their opinions, because they never cared about yours to begin with.
Focus on you, the inner work. Forgive yourself for your sins, because there is no going back. You decide who you are from this point forward.
If this does incite anger in you, ask yourself why? Is there a part of you that identifies with what I said? If this pissed you off, you have to have identified with it on some level.
There’s a great analogy YouTuber Nu Mindframe made (She’s awesome by the way, check her out)
I KNOW I’m not quoting this verbatim, but I thought the analogy was brilliant.
I am an average height, tanned, Hispanic woman.
If a stranger came up to me and said “You giant, pale Chinese bitch!!”, irate and foaming at the mouth…
I would laugh and think to myself, “This woman is insane”
Because my ass clearly is not Chinese, pale and far from being a giant.
What this person said is literally nonsense. It doesn’t apply to me. It doesn’t relate to me in the slightest. Why would it bother me?
But if it bothered you, why? Dig a little deeper. You may find the answer has way more to do with you and the way you feel about yourself subconsciously than this blog post.
Some of you may read this and feel less dirty, less alone, empowered.
Some of you may read this and really hate the fuck out of me, think I’m a hypocrite, I’m crazy
blah blah blah…
I’m the one brave enough to own my fuckups, my shortcomings.
I’m the one brave enough to share them on a platform visible to the entire world.
While some of you will never look deeper than the bathroom mirror.
I’ll take my authenticity, filthy and flawed over the picture perfect shield you’ve created for yourself there any day of the week.
That’s all folks, until next time ✌🏽