Tag: anxiety

Sigh…

So, my psychiatrist told me yesterday that I have C-PTSD.

PTSD is usually caused by a traumatic event, while C-PTSD stems from long-term, on going trauma.

It doesn’t really change anything. Everything is pretty much all the same. You just continue to work on healing, like I already am.

Yet somehow, finding out kind of fucked me up.

I found myself crying and sobbing. I’ve got to admit, I was kind of confused and surprised by my reaction. I actually apologized to the doctor, like I’d passed gas in front of him.

I’ve already started healing and processing childhood trauma. Mental illness isn’t something new to me. I’d been working on it for years, educating myself and practicing my coping skills for quite sometime.

I think it was just oddly validating.

I’ve been told to stop living in the past. I know I get looked at like I am victimizing myself. It’s always made me feel bad.

People think it’s a choice. I don’t choose to feel the way I do or experience life the way I do. Why would anyone? Why would anyone even lie about feeling this way? It’s not like it makes you look good. I’m already looked upon as crazy as is.

This is not fun. It’s definitely not when you’re looked at like an exaggerator. Like you’re behaving the way you do for attention.

Things now make a little more sense.

Flashbacks, relieving and thinking of traumatic experiences over and over again, avoiding certain things out of fear of crying and becoming emotional, being easily startled and triggered by things that others normally wouldn’t be, paranoia, loss of trust in people, difficulty regulating emotions, difficulty controlling anger, fixation on abuser/s…

All things I’ve been experiencing for years and all things I’ve been judged for. Do people’s opinions matter? No. It doesn’t make it any less painful though. No matter what, it always stings to know that people think negatively of you, no matter how hard you try not to let it get to you.

I knew about the depression and the mood swings. Others did too. So that wasn’t really looked upon as odd. At least not at this point.

I know people looked at me and judged me for still being in a state of pain because of things that happened long ago. Like I was making excuses.

I started to wonder if that was true. Was I choosing this? I didn’t think I was, because it honestly made me feel bad to be thought of in that “woe is me” way. It’s not exactly a good look.

Now, it makes sense

I wasn’t doing this to myself. It was something that was happening to me that I didn’t have control over.

Again, everything is still the same. Now, I just know. Now, there’s a reason why. Knowing the “why” and how something originated has always helped me figure out how to solve any problem.

I dont have to feel like a failure about the fact that the past still hurts me and has affected me in different ways. I know I’m not “crazy”?

I dont know…Whatever.

I write to make sense out of shit because my feelings tend to hit me like a fucking truck and I don’t realize what’s happened or what I’ve done until the dust settles. As my psychiatrist said “Shoot first, ask questions later”.

Now I know that how important it really is for me to continue the healing process and why it’s been so hard to begin with. It’s not just something I need to do because it will “help” me. Now I understand how crucial it actually is.

Things just make sense now.

As I said, nothing really changes. I’ve just got to keep doing what I’m doing. I’ll probably read up on it, just to possibly help myself in ways that had never occurred to me before. New pointers are always good. Plus learning will help me, help you guys. I’ll be able to tell you about all my new found skills 😂

I debated sharing this. I was kind of embarrassed. But isn’t that kind of the problem in the first place? It’s the reason I started this blog. Things like this only become comfortable to talk about when YOU talk about them. Author Brene Brown teaches us that speaking about our vulnerability and shame is what connects us. Talking about our pain not only is healing, but it peels away all the superficial layers we’ve been hiding behind. It unites us because we can all relate to each others experiences.

So, let’s make it safe and comfortable for others to open up too. That’s the only way things in the mental health world will be regarded compassionately, seriously and respectfully.

Thank you for reading ❤️

by Categories: IntroductionTags: , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

Soul Revival Tip #1: Audiobooks

I’ve always loved to read but recently, I’ve become obsessed with audiobooks. My favorite books tend to be self help/self improvement related. I find that listening to a soothing voice teaching you how to care for yourself in a time of emotional and psychological need can be powerful and incredibly impactful. It feels like someone is sitting right next to me, comforting me in my time of need.

Best of all, it’s available at all times. This means you can receive a boost of love and encouragement anytime you need it. This could be in the middle of the night when you can’t sleep. It could be on the train or your drive in to work as you mentally prepare for the next shift. It could even be when you’re going through a very difficult phase in life.

Audiobooks have been life changing for me. I do see a therapist once a week but sometimes it’s not enough. Sure, talking to other people can help. However, realistically we will not always have someone else around to help us. Therefore, we need to master the art of helping ourselves.

Telling other people your struggles can be a huge help but I’m sure you’ve also experienced times where it has backfired. Sometimes, you are met with judgement and criticism. Other times, you’ve just been given bad advice. There might have even been occasions where you find out someone told another person about your issues without your consent. You leave the situation feeling worse than you did before you told anyone. Who needs that?

I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t rely on anyone else as a source of support. If it’s a safe and confidential source, sure. I am saying that it’s absolutely necessary to learn how to help yourself alone. Even if you have the greatest support system, talking to someone else may not always be an option and you have to be prepared for moments like that. You are your own responsibility, and it’s ultimately up to you to take care of yourself.

Audiobooks are an awesome form of self care. I recommend that everyone try listening to one at some point, you may be surprised at how much better you feel afterwards. I get my books using the app. Audible. I love a lot of Louise Hay’s books. She was a world renowned author and metaphysical teacher. Her self esteem affirmations helped me learn to embrace and accept myself for who I am. In “How To Love Yourself”, Louise discusses her 10 tips towards achieving self love and self acceptance. I found this to be very eye opening and learned some life long lessons from it. “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz is one of my favorites and a very popular and well known book. Ruiz shares 4 powerful beliefs to adopt to transform your life for the better. I own the paperback, but decided to buy it in audiobook form. I actually prefer the audiobook and have bookmarked my favorite parts to listen to whenever I need an extra boost of love and encouragement.

Now I understand some people really don’t care for self help/self improvement books. That’s okay too. Fiction based audiobooks/books are an effective coping mechanism as well. Reading gets your mind off of whatever it is you’re stressing. It’s entertaining, increases your vocabulary, strengthens your imagination and is a healthy distraction. Your brain gets to take a well deserved BREAK. We ALL need that, whether it is you’re depressed or not. Coping skills are not only for those who are struggling with mental illness. Coping skills are healthy hobbies and habits to integrate into your life, for the rest of your life. The more you have in your life, the better.

Nothing that I ever suggest on my blog will ever substitute receiving professional help. If you feel there is something seriously wrong and you have it in your power, please seek professional help. However, the tips I share may help you endure life’s struggles and get through them in a healthy, safe and non destructive way. In therapy, that is what you are taught. Granted, the therapist helps you work through your problems objectively, but ultimately, they will teach or recommend different coping skills for you to use when you’re feeling angry, depressed, anxious, etc…

I know there are a lot of you that may be struggling mentally, emotionally and psychologically. I know how it feels to deal with that pain alone, to feel misunderstood or the fear that you will be looked upon as crazy. You’re not crazy. You’re just struggling. Believe it or not, those are temporary feelings. You just need to learn how to ride them out in the safest way possible. That’s where me and my soul revival tips come in. I’m sharing some of the stuff I know has saved me, and I really hope can do the same for you.

by Categories: IntroductionTags: , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Fighting The Good Fight

So, I’ve been silent for a bit. I mentioned that in my last blog post. There has been a lot going on here at home. Things have been a struggle, I have been struggling.

Being the mother of an autistic child is difficult beyond anyone’s understanding, besides a person in the same boat. That’s that all children on the spectrum are different from one another.

We started potty training Ethan. Me and two of his teachers camped out in the bathroom for three days. It was exhausting. Days after, he had a week off. Whole days with Ethan are tough. They are intense.

He requires a lot of attention. I am still changing diapers, still dressing him from head to toe. He has many needs. He needs to be watched vigilantly. I’ve seen him move our 50 inch television by himself. Let’s keep in mind, he’s only six years old. He’s broken his dresser which was nailed to the wall in his room, causing for the tv to come crashing down to the floor. I’ve found nails randomly in his mouth.

It’s traumatizing. I feel like I cannot keep him out my sight because he might hurt himself. There are nights where he will wake up as early as 3-4am, banging things, jumping on his bed, dropping things on the floor because he enjoys the clattering sound that’s made.

The stress from this has triggered my anxiety, a depressive episode, it’s robbed me of my ability to sleep restfully for an entire night. I wake up and lie in bed thinking about how the morning will go, creating fear and worry. Becoming apprehensive that things will be completely chaotic when it’s time to get ready for school. They usually are, my anxiety comes from not being in complete control over a situation that simply can’t.

There are things that I no longer enjoy that I used to. I used to sing regularly, I used to read tarot, I used to write frequently and now cursed with writer’s block. I always had something to say and here I find myself quiet. Just trying to stay afloat. Just trying to get through each day, day by day. That’s become my new hobby.

It’s hard. I cry a lot. It’s overwhelming. I try to keep in mind that this moment wont last forever yet it’s hard to imagine that when I feel the way I do. It’s easy to feel like a bad parent when parenting makes you break down. I’ve had moments where I feel like a weakling for not being able to handle what’s been given to me as I’m constantly struggling. It’s easy to feel like you’re not doing enough. Like you aren’t enough. Like everything you do is wrong.

So, that’s where I’ve been. I’m still in therapy. I’m still working through these issues and it’s helped immensely. I’m sharing because I know there are moms who feel the same way I do. Know that you’re far from alone. You’re not a bad person, you’re not a bad parent. If you were, you wouldn’t be concerned about being one. Hang in there.

by Categories: IntroductionTags: , , , , , , 2 Comments

I’m Not Dead, I Promise

So… it’s been a while. I’m still here though. I haven’t abandoned you guys. I actually love writing and this blog. My brain has been pretty fuzzy lately and I’m not quite sure why. I’ve got a case of classic writer’s block

I’ve been in a very introverted place lately. I’ve been doing a lot of self reflection. Which is good, that’s what’s required for evolution.

I’m a passionate writer and I always am flattered and appreciative of the people who do stop and read my work. It’s important for me to let you know what is going on and to be honest. Just in my own little bubble… for now.

I’ll be back from my hiatus better than ever I’m sure, either offending you or making you chuckle. Much love to you all and again, thank you for reading.

by Categories: IntroductionTags: , , , , , Leave a comment

Dear Self, 

You washed the dishes. That’s a big fucking deal. You HATE washing dishes and you pushed through. You didn’t want to brush your teeth, you did. You didn’t want to shower, you did. Didn’t want to wash your hair and you did. You pumiced your feet. You watched numerous things to laugh to lift your mood. You practiced self care. You’re even journaling. All while being fucking depressed. It’s a big deal. You’re doing a good job. Don’t beat yourself up for what you couldn’t or haven’t done. Give yourself credit for that. Be proud of yourself for that. 

This is what you’re supposed to do when you’re depressed. You’re supposed to take responsibility for yourself. You’re supposed to identify what’s wrong, and try to help yourself. You’re supposed to practice your coping skills. You did that. You’re supposed to try even though you don’t want to. You pushed through it. 

I know you may not feel this is a big deal, but if someone else told you this, you would congratulate them. You would tell them to be proud because they could’ve chosen to do nothing and they chose to fight. 

If you had chosen to do nothing, well, that’s okay too. Our best does not look the same everyday. Staying in bed could be your best one day and that’s fine. You’re doing your best today. I love you. I’ll always look out for you. 

Remember, this isn’t you. This gloom and doom you’re feeling. The sinking in your gut? That’s depression. It’s a disease. You’re going through the symptoms and you’re fighting them. I’m proud of you. 

Love, 

Self  

by Categories: IntroductionTags: , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Stop The Bullshit: I Can Smell You From Here 

Can we stop the bullshit here? 

Can we stop pretending we are too cool to be in pain? 

Can we stop behaving like the trauma we experienced in life didn’t leave us wounded? 

Can we stop pushing our emotional anguish aside because we are too shameful to acknowledge something is wrong? 

What is being achieved with all this denial? 

Perfection does not exist. Everyone has their faults. Everyone. 

What do you gain by pretending otherwise? Look at where you are at the moment. 

Are you proud? 

Do you want to be the person you are at this VERY moment, for the rest of your life? 

If not, you’ve got a lot of soul searching to do. You’ve got to admit to a lot of truths that may agonize you. 

So take a good look at yourself. Not your car. Not your paycheck. 

Moving forward isn’t about your financial status. It’s about being genuine with yourself. It’s about telling yourself the shit you don’t want to hear about who you are and confronting it. 

Take a good look at the mirror. Is this it? Is this the level of maturity you’re satisfied with? 

Can you look at your reflection and tell yourself that? Look into your own eyes and tell yourself that shit without cringing. 

Do you really want to be the same person, living in the identical cycle you were exposed to as a child? Do you really want to be THIS person at the age of 40? 50? 60? 

Listen. I’m not perfect. Far from it. 

I see a therapist 4 times a month. My sessions are not easy. 

I admit things about myself that I’m ashamed of. I confess to actions I’m not proud of. 

I sit there and listen to feedback that I can’t bear to hear because it hurts too much. 

Why? 

Because I WANT to be better. I want to outgrow the bullshit. This is important for me. I want to be a better mom. I want to be a better spouse. I want to be a better person. I want to live a fulfilled life. 

I don’t want to find myself in the same dysfunctional cycle a lot of you like to pretend doesn’t exist by the time my hair is gray and I’m menopausal. 

I don’t want my child inheriting all the negative characteristics I developed in life because that’s how I CHOSE to raise him. 

So… stop it. 

Enough with the pride bullshit. Enough. 

Love yourself enough to be honest with yourself. 

It will initially sting.

I promise you, you won’t die from confronting your demons and putting them to rest. 

You’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain. 

by Categories: IntroductionTags: , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

The Growth Trick

Write a list of ways you’ve matured mentally, emotionally and spiritually in the last 5 years. Don’t talk about your possessions. Write about who you’ve become. Write from the core of your being. Thats where everything manifests itself. 

After you’re done, credit yourself towards your personal achievements. This is a big deal, changing, let alone wanting to for the better is far from simple, yet you did it. Pat yourself on the back! 

If you find that your list is short, take the opportunity to write about the ways you’d like to change. Do you want to be more confident? Do you want to be more tranquil? Do you want to be more in control of your emotions? Do you want to be a better parent? A better spouse? List them. 

People who came up with long lists displaying tremendous improvement, congratulations! However, you aren’t exempt from doing this either. 

Growth is something you pursue your entire life. To be complacent and to be stagnant is no life. It is self paralyzation. Love yourself enough to make YOURSELF happy. Push YOURSELF in the right direction. 

by Categories: IntroductionTags: , , , , , 3 Comments

This Is Anxiety 

Fucking shit. You want to know what anxiety feels like? 

Anxiety feels like forgetting everything you’ve ever known in your entire life in an instant and being completely frozen into place. 

Anxiety is having to run back and forth to the bathroom as your stomach churns, bile burning at your throat. 

Anxiety is feeling fucking insane for being scared of everything that is actually nothing at all. 

Anxiety is saying “No” to your dreams because you don’t feel you’re good enough. 

Anxiety is that bloodcurdling, hateful voice that won’t stop screaming. 

Will you ever shut the fuck up? 

Anxiety is that icy presence that creeps into your bed, engulfing you in its piercing embrace, depleting the energy out of you. 

You cannot breathe. 

The oxygen flees the room, slipping away further and further into the night. 

It’s taking your spirit, as you stare with red rimmed eyes, helplessly into the sky,

Choking and clawing at your throat hysterically,

No matter how much you try,

You know there’s no escape; 

You see, anxiety is only the prison that lives in your brain. 

by Categories: IntroductionTags: , , , , , , 1 Comment