Tag: coping skills

Sigh…

So, my psychiatrist told me yesterday that I have C-PTSD.

PTSD is usually caused by a traumatic event, while C-PTSD stems from long-term, on going trauma.

It doesn’t really change anything. Everything is pretty much all the same. You just continue to work on healing, like I already am.

Yet somehow, finding out kind of fucked me up.

I found myself crying and sobbing. I’ve got to admit, I was kind of confused and surprised by my reaction. I actually apologized to the doctor, like I’d passed gas in front of him.

I’ve already started healing and processing childhood trauma. Mental illness isn’t something new to me. I’d been working on it for years, educating myself and practicing my coping skills for quite sometime.

I think it was just oddly validating.

I’ve been told to stop living in the past. I know I get looked at like I am victimizing myself. It’s always made me feel bad.

People think it’s a choice. I don’t choose to feel the way I do or experience life the way I do. Why would anyone? Why would anyone even lie about feeling this way? It’s not like it makes you look good. I’m already looked upon as crazy as is.

This is not fun. It’s definitely not when you’re looked at like an exaggerator. Like you’re behaving the way you do for attention.

Things now make a little more sense.

Flashbacks, relieving and thinking of traumatic experiences over and over again, avoiding certain things out of fear of crying and becoming emotional, being easily startled and triggered by things that others normally wouldn’t be, paranoia, loss of trust in people, difficulty regulating emotions, difficulty controlling anger, fixation on abuser/s…

All things I’ve been experiencing for years and all things I’ve been judged for. Do people’s opinions matter? No. It doesn’t make it any less painful though. No matter what, it always stings to know that people think negatively of you, no matter how hard you try not to let it get to you.

I knew about the depression and the mood swings. Others did too. So that wasn’t really looked upon as odd. At least not at this point.

I know people looked at me and judged me for still being in a state of pain because of things that happened long ago. Like I was making excuses.

I started to wonder if that was true. Was I choosing this? I didn’t think I was, because it honestly made me feel bad to be thought of in that “woe is me” way. It’s not exactly a good look.

Now, it makes sense

I wasn’t doing this to myself. It was something that was happening to me that I didn’t have control over.

Again, everything is still the same. Now, I just know. Now, there’s a reason why. Knowing the “why” and how something originated has always helped me figure out how to solve any problem.

I dont have to feel like a failure about the fact that the past still hurts me and has affected me in different ways. I know I’m not “crazy”?

I dont know…Whatever.

I write to make sense out of shit because my feelings tend to hit me like a fucking truck and I don’t realize what’s happened or what I’ve done until the dust settles. As my psychiatrist said “Shoot first, ask questions later”.

Now I know that how important it really is for me to continue the healing process and why it’s been so hard to begin with. It’s not just something I need to do because it will “help” me. Now I understand how crucial it actually is.

Things just make sense now.

As I said, nothing really changes. I’ve just got to keep doing what I’m doing. I’ll probably read up on it, just to possibly help myself in ways that had never occurred to me before. New pointers are always good. Plus learning will help me, help you guys. I’ll be able to tell you about all my new found skills 😂

I debated sharing this. I was kind of embarrassed. But isn’t that kind of the problem in the first place? It’s the reason I started this blog. Things like this only become comfortable to talk about when YOU talk about them. Author Brene Brown teaches us that speaking about our vulnerability and shame is what connects us. Talking about our pain not only is healing, but it peels away all the superficial layers we’ve been hiding behind. It unites us because we can all relate to each others experiences.

So, let’s make it safe and comfortable for others to open up too. That’s the only way things in the mental health world will be regarded compassionately, seriously and respectfully.

Thank you for reading ❤️

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Confrontation Is Pointless

I’ve realized in my life that unless you’re trying to find a solution to an issue with someone who has demonstrated and reciprocated emotional investment and you know by experience is honest and has the ability to self reflect…

OR

Involves you cutting a check…

Confrontation is POINTLESS.

Point. Blank. Period.

It will bring you to high stress levels capable of impacting your body harmfully.

What you tell them could be completely accurate and they will STILL look you dead in the eye and tell you you’re wrong, that it did not happen, that that person is lying, so on and so forth.

It’s super common to be gaslit during confrontation. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where a person straight up lies about factual information (many times regarding situations you witnessed with your own eyes) to give you the impression that you cannot trust your own senses, leaving you questioning your own sanity.

Do not be surprised if you leave that situation enraged, red faced, bamboozled, and ready to commit a crime.

I highly suggest everyone, especially those of you who came from abusive homes or abusive relationships to learn the definitions of emotional abuse, psychological abuse, verbal abuse, narcissistic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, manipulation and to research manipulation tactics. This could save you in so many ways you don’t even realize.

But, back to the topic at hand.

People lie. All the time. To each other and to themselves.

The truth is too scary. It’s easier to point the finger at you and make you the villain than to look within and confront their demons. To admit that you are right would mean coming to terms with the fact that they are not perfect. That they, like everyone else, fuck up from time to time. That they have some sort of emotional wound that still remains open, raw. infected and untouched.

That’s too painful to face and most people refuse to go that deep. Despite rare exceptions, people do not change. They rarely will for their own healing and they most certainly will not do it for you.

Instead, pay attention to action. Pay attention to your gut. When you feel you aren’t being told the truth, pretend you’re listening to Charlie Brown’s teacher.

Pay attention to the face, the body. Pretend you’re deaf. Do they look sad? Remorseful? Emotional? Pay attention to the actions. Are they demonstrating their claims through their behavior?

If they don’t, distance yourself and work on your own healing. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Your mental and emotional health should always precede another person and their needs. That is their responsibility.

If you really feel the need to tell them off, do so in a note and don’t send it. Delete it, burn it, throw it in the ocean. Whatever. Do it in mirror and pretend that’s them you see in the reflection. Curse them the fuck out. Scream, point your fingers, jump up and down, punch your mattress. Get that shit out of your system and walk away.

Please make sure you’re home alone and there’s no one around to hear you though. Don’t end up with the cops at your door because the neighbors thought you committed a murder when you were actually assaulting your pillow.

Make yourself the focal point. That’s your job. There’s a reason why you’re told by the flight attendants on a plane “Put your own oxygen mask on first.”

What do you love to do? What are your goals and aspirations? If you love doing something, do it more. If you hate something, do it less or avoid it all together. (I am not referring to necessary responsibility)

When you learn to love and accept yourself, the company of others is only optional.

Love yourself the way you would your child. Would you encourage your child to play with children who are mean and make them feel bad? Nope, you’d protect them. Why wouldn’t you do the same for yourself? Shield your heart the same way. You come first, choose yourself first.

Sending you all much love always ❤️

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Soul Revival Tip #2: Laughter

One day, my husband and I had a disagreement. It was safe to say we were not each other’s favorite people at the moment. I was home and upset. I decided I needed to get my mind off of the issue. I wanted to shake off those negative emotions. So I decided to watch a stand up comedy.

As I watched, I laughed and laughed until my belly hurt and I thought I was going to piss myself. I had a moment of awareness in that instant. I scanned my emotional self and realized that although the problem with my husband and I had not been resolved, I felt better. My mood lifted and I felt lighter. I felt more at peace and joyful.

I came to the conclusion that the laughter that was induced by the comedy I was watching was responsible for this. I felt happier from laughing. Intrigued, I decided to perform sort of an experiment.

I played the stand up from the beginning when my husband arrived from work. I knew he was not going to sit down, let alone with me, and watch the film willingly. I raised the volume loud enough so that it could be heard from the other rooms while simultaneously keeping the neighbors from losing their hearing.

I could tell he was still pissed off at me. I greeted him hesitantly and let him be, giving him time to cool off. I noticed as the film played that although he was not watching it, it caught his attention and he was listening.

I watched his stiff, rigid body soften before my eyes. He gradually began to unwind. His breathing slowed. He would turn to the screen periodically and eventually, sat right next to me to watch.

As the film went on, he watched and listened intensely, even allowing a chuckle to escape his lips from time to time. Before I knew it, he was not angry anymore. He turned to me and I’m pretty sure said “Okay, what do you want to eat?” kindly. We made up after that.

Laughter, although induced by the film, made us feel better. It lifted our spirits. It took our minds off of the issue at hand. It calmed us and brought us to a more rational, relaxed state. That tranquility provided us with the clarity we needed in order to realize that our dispute was not a big deal. Not only were we able to carry on with the evening, but we were both in better places mentally and emotionally.

There are many studies that show laughter has the capability to trigger endorphins (the “happy” hormone), relax the body, stop distressing emotions, help you reenergize, calm stress hormones, as well as ease anxiety.

As for physical benefits, laughter can bring down blood pressure, burn calories, raise the production of immune cells and infection fighting antibodies (improving resistance to disease), renew the lungs, as well as relaxing the muscles relieving tension.

Laughter is so powerful that different establishments have been created in order to receive those benefits. There are laughter clubs, which is defined as a group of people gathering to practice laughter. There is laughter yoga, which is basically yoga and a laughter club combined. There is even laughter therapy, where patients in the hospital are presented with humorous activities to revitalize their bodies and spirits. Some medical professionals also make the effort to make their patients laugh because they know that it will improve the patient’s well-being.

So the next time you’re not feeling so hot, laugh. Find reasons to laugh. Watch a stand up comedy like I did that evening. Watch a funny video on YouTube or play your favorite comedic film. Call or hang out with a funny friend. Go to a comedy club. Play with your pet, tickle your kids (don’t kill them in the process). Your mental, physical and spiritual self will thank you for it later.

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Soul Revival Tip #1: Audiobooks

I’ve always loved to read but recently, I’ve become obsessed with audiobooks. My favorite books tend to be self help/self improvement related. I find that listening to a soothing voice teaching you how to care for yourself in a time of emotional and psychological need can be powerful and incredibly impactful. It feels like someone is sitting right next to me, comforting me in my time of need.

Best of all, it’s available at all times. This means you can receive a boost of love and encouragement anytime you need it. This could be in the middle of the night when you can’t sleep. It could be on the train or your drive in to work as you mentally prepare for the next shift. It could even be when you’re going through a very difficult phase in life.

Audiobooks have been life changing for me. I do see a therapist once a week but sometimes it’s not enough. Sure, talking to other people can help. However, realistically we will not always have someone else around to help us. Therefore, we need to master the art of helping ourselves.

Telling other people your struggles can be a huge help but I’m sure you’ve also experienced times where it has backfired. Sometimes, you are met with judgement and criticism. Other times, you’ve just been given bad advice. There might have even been occasions where you find out someone told another person about your issues without your consent. You leave the situation feeling worse than you did before you told anyone. Who needs that?

I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t rely on anyone else as a source of support. If it’s a safe and confidential source, sure. I am saying that it’s absolutely necessary to learn how to help yourself alone. Even if you have the greatest support system, talking to someone else may not always be an option and you have to be prepared for moments like that. You are your own responsibility, and it’s ultimately up to you to take care of yourself.

Audiobooks are an awesome form of self care. I recommend that everyone try listening to one at some point, you may be surprised at how much better you feel afterwards. I get my books using the app. Audible. I love a lot of Louise Hay’s books. She was a world renowned author and metaphysical teacher. Her self esteem affirmations helped me learn to embrace and accept myself for who I am. In “How To Love Yourself”, Louise discusses her 10 tips towards achieving self love and self acceptance. I found this to be very eye opening and learned some life long lessons from it. “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz is one of my favorites and a very popular and well known book. Ruiz shares 4 powerful beliefs to adopt to transform your life for the better. I own the paperback, but decided to buy it in audiobook form. I actually prefer the audiobook and have bookmarked my favorite parts to listen to whenever I need an extra boost of love and encouragement.

Now I understand some people really don’t care for self help/self improvement books. That’s okay too. Fiction based audiobooks/books are an effective coping mechanism as well. Reading gets your mind off of whatever it is you’re stressing. It’s entertaining, increases your vocabulary, strengthens your imagination and is a healthy distraction. Your brain gets to take a well deserved BREAK. We ALL need that, whether it is you’re depressed or not. Coping skills are not only for those who are struggling with mental illness. Coping skills are healthy hobbies and habits to integrate into your life, for the rest of your life. The more you have in your life, the better.

Nothing that I ever suggest on my blog will ever substitute receiving professional help. If you feel there is something seriously wrong and you have it in your power, please seek professional help. However, the tips I share may help you endure life’s struggles and get through them in a healthy, safe and non destructive way. In therapy, that is what you are taught. Granted, the therapist helps you work through your problems objectively, but ultimately, they will teach or recommend different coping skills for you to use when you’re feeling angry, depressed, anxious, etc…

I know there are a lot of you that may be struggling mentally, emotionally and psychologically. I know how it feels to deal with that pain alone, to feel misunderstood or the fear that you will be looked upon as crazy. You’re not crazy. You’re just struggling. Believe it or not, those are temporary feelings. You just need to learn how to ride them out in the safest way possible. That’s where me and my soul revival tips come in. I’m sharing some of the stuff I know has saved me, and I really hope can do the same for you.

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Dear Self, 

You washed the dishes. That’s a big fucking deal. You HATE washing dishes and you pushed through. You didn’t want to brush your teeth, you did. You didn’t want to shower, you did. Didn’t want to wash your hair and you did. You pumiced your feet. You watched numerous things to laugh to lift your mood. You practiced self care. You’re even journaling. All while being fucking depressed. It’s a big deal. You’re doing a good job. Don’t beat yourself up for what you couldn’t or haven’t done. Give yourself credit for that. Be proud of yourself for that. 

This is what you’re supposed to do when you’re depressed. You’re supposed to take responsibility for yourself. You’re supposed to identify what’s wrong, and try to help yourself. You’re supposed to practice your coping skills. You did that. You’re supposed to try even though you don’t want to. You pushed through it. 

I know you may not feel this is a big deal, but if someone else told you this, you would congratulate them. You would tell them to be proud because they could’ve chosen to do nothing and they chose to fight. 

If you had chosen to do nothing, well, that’s okay too. Our best does not look the same everyday. Staying in bed could be your best one day and that’s fine. You’re doing your best today. I love you. I’ll always look out for you. 

Remember, this isn’t you. This gloom and doom you’re feeling. The sinking in your gut? That’s depression. It’s a disease. You’re going through the symptoms and you’re fighting them. I’m proud of you. 

Love, 

Self  

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