Tag: love

My Beautiful Boy

The moment I laid eyes on you,

I knew what I’d been told was true.

Mommy’s chin,

Daddy’s nose.

I made sure,

You had all your toes.

Love swelled inside my heart,

Couldn’t imagine being,

One second apart.

I loved watching you grow,

Wondering how much you’d know.

Hearing you cry always hurts,

Trying my best,

To describe it in words.

One day,

You stopped seeing me,

Invisible, a ghost.

My heart was ripped apart,

When you were diagnosed.

I thought that’s it,

It’s over.

You and I,

Would never be closer.

Your daddy told me

They were wrong,

You would make it,

You were strong.

All I could do was pray,

Things wouldn’t turn out that way.

Now here we are,

You laugh and you play.

Daddy was right,

Everything is okay.

Today you look me in the eyes,

You’ve truly made me realize,

Miracles do come true,

Now you say I love you.

You are so friendly,

A bit crazy,

Yet, a little messy.

Those toy cars,

Always lined up perfect.

Don’t mess with them,

There’d be pay hell for it.

Repeating everything I say,

You even mock me when I laugh.

Have to stop my giggling

With everything I have.

Your hugs,

There is nothing,

They can’t cure.

You always remind me,

There’s nothing I can’t endure.

So, my beautiful boy

You’ve brought me so much joy.

My cheekie, Mi cochito

Que orgullosa estoy.

Every bit of my being,

Knows this to be true.

I have never been more proud,

I will always love you.

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Stop F$!?#%* Asking Me How You Look

I hate when people ask me what they should do with their appearance.

I am flattered you value my opinion, don’t get me wrong. However, why do you care what I think?

What I think does not matter.

I was surrounded by standard beauty growing up and wasn’t really able to express my individuality until over the age of 18.

When I did, I was literally criticized all the time.

I have colored my hair all sorts of colors and have been judged for it.

I have cut my hair and have been picked apart for it.

I’ve had about 4-5 piercings in my face and was criticized for it.

I have had outfits that I have been put down for wearing.

I’ve been given funny looks and have been told things like:

“Why did you do that?”

“You looked prettier before”

“I liked your hair when it was longer”

“I liked your hair when it was darker”

“Why did you do that to your face?”

“No, that doesn’t look right”

Yet, I kept doing my own thing because I felt good.

I liked what I saw in the mirror.

What I saw made me happy and it made me feel brave, bold and unique to stand out from the crowd.

I also received lot of praise and compliments such as:

“My goodness, that’s so beautiful”

“I wish I could do that”

“I wish I had the face for that”

I’ve even had people reach out to me to thank me because I inspired them to make changes they desperately wanted to make for their own appearance.

That always felt really, really good.

The approval was irrelevant to me. It was thrilling to try new things to look the way I wanted. Had I lived according to everyone’s opinions, I wouldn’t have taken those risks that ultimately resulted in my happiness and satisfaction.

When I did choose to go around asking for the opinions of others, I was told not to because it would look ugly, bad, disgusting, etc..

The irony? The same people who would hit me with criticism started looking a lot like me.

The criticism you hear from others is coming from a place of someone else’s fears and limitations. These people are afraid to be themselves and to stray from what’s considered acceptable. Why would they encourage you to be bold and unique when they don’t even have the balls to do it themselves? Only when YOU break the mold and receive the praise, do they feel safe enough to do the same. Mostly because they desire the same positive reaction others gave you.

In reality, they still aren’t being themselves. We don’t know what and who they are and what they like because THEY don’t know who they are and what they like. That’s why they go around copying everyone’s shit. They want the same admiration you got. You’d be surprised that sometimes your critics are your greatest fans.

Wear and look however and whichever way you want. Fuck what anyone else thinks because again, those who pick on you for it are more often than not undercover fans.

I say this a lot and I’m going to say it again.

The only path to happiness is authenticity.

You express authenticity through appearance.

Look the way you want and OWN THAT SHIT. UNAPOLOGETICALLY.

Fuck what anyone else thinks.

That right there is what earns you respect.

At this point of my life, I’d rather be respected than accepted.

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Stop Making Your Food Taste Like Shit

Your life is like a meal you are preparing for yourself. The people you choose to be in your life are the seasoning and spices you add to make your dish. The purpose of the spices and seasonings are to make the dish more flavorful.

Do you NEED them?

No, not necessarily. The food is edible without them. They make the dish heavenly and delectable though. They add and compliment the meal. They enhance and bring out the best of the meal. By the time you’re done, you are happy, fulfilled and satisfied.

Now, if you try a spice and you don’t like it or it makes your food taste nasty, why would you cook with it? Why would you add more? Why would you continue to eat it?

The moral here?

You need no one once you learn to love and care for yourself. There is no one to complete you. You are whole. You always have been. Don’t let society, the films, the fairy tales, the tv shows or any living being make you feel differently. The people in your life aren’t there to make you happy. YOU are the one who is responsible for making YOU happy.

The people in your life are OPTIONAL. They are to there CONTRIBUTE to that joy, to HELP and bring out the BEST in you. To push you to achieve your dreams. To motivate and help you believe in yourself.

If a person only adds pain, anger, insecurity, criticism, pessimism, difficulty and blocks you from your blessings, goals and reaching your full potential, if this person is holding you back and spends time baiting you with the intentions of bringing out the worst in you…

Why stick around? It’s not necessary. We aren’t supposed to NEED people in our lives. That’s unhealthy. That’s codependence, look into it if you don’t know what that is. We are supposed to WANT them in our lives and we are supposed to pick those who make life EASIER and LIGHTER.

The inevitable we experience in everyday life makes things hard as it is.

Why continue to deal with someone who is guaranteed to make it even more difficult? I promise you, you will be fine, if not better off because you are without them.

Throw the repulsive spice away.

Remember the way it tasted the first time you cooked with it.

Avoid using it in the future.

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YOU! YES, YOU!!!

I’ve never met a happy pessimist/chronic complainer. While I’ve been in that mindset and can empathize, I’ve learned happiness is not something that just falls on to your lap. Happiness is a state of mind, it’s what you create. If you give things that make you feel bad access to your life, it’s going to make it that much harder to stay in that mindset. If you want a specific sort of life, you have to believe it will happen for you. Create positive affirmations. Learn how to truly love yourself, because self love and arrogance/vanity are two separate things. One is kindness, care, faith and confidence in your own abilities and the other is derived from fear.

I’ve made decisions that have angered people because from the outsider’s perspective, they made no sense and defied logic. However, I’ve believed wholeheartedly in my decisions because I’ve always honored my intuition. Because of that, it’s stronger than ever and I have experienced an unbelievable amount of manifestation.

I can honestly say I have never regretted a decision I’ve ever made when following my gut, but I can tell you every time I’ve ignored it, there was hell to pay and I’ve kicked myself in the ass because I knew better. I FELT that shit. I could feel what the outcome of a situation would be. I just went with the more socially acceptable choice that made others comfortable, neglecting myself in the process. It’s never paid off.

I was once kicked out of my home and found an apartment and moved in the same day. I’ve lost jobs and found ones the following day. I signed my son up for one school, because I knew wholeheartedly that he without a doubt would be accepted. It was a charter school, and months later, I received a call from the head of the school to let me know he was the first pick from their lottery system.

I was diagnosed with one of the rarest diseases in the world and was met with nothing but pessimism by doctors. I was seriously told I was better off with Leukemia.

I required a lot of medicine and my insurance got cut off. I went to pick up my medicine afterward and was told by the pharmacy, despite the cut off notices, that my medicine was free of charge.

I tried my hardest to believe that I would heal, and I did. Within 6 months, I reached remission. Doctors could not explain why because my test results weren’t very different from when I was first diagnosed. I honestly believe if I decided to live in fear of dying, that’s exactly what would’ve happened.

I wanted to sign up for an online course that was half off. It cost 180 bucks and I didn’t have the money. My husband asked me to go to the bank for him to withdraw 20 bucks. I found 200 dollars on the way over. The exact amount I needed. 20 bucks for him and exactly 180 for the class I wanted to sign up for.

My point?

Don’t be afraid to believe that what you want is possible. Don’t ditch logic, because you need it to survive everyday life but honor your gut feeling. You need both. However, learn what intuition sounds like, and trust it. Respect it. Don’t dismiss it.

Your gut feeling is the kindest, most loving voice you will ever encounter. The criticism, fear, insecurities and hateful talk? Lies. That’s not your gut speaking to you. That’s your mind being cruel to you.

I call my intuition, “My inner Grandmother Willow”, the wise and beloved character from Pocahontas who guides her from a place of love and wisdom. Your intuition will never make you feel bad about yourself, nor will it ever steer you wrong. It doesn’t chatter and go back and forth. It doesn’t debate itself. It’s deep, soulful, protective, encouraging, firm, quiet yet powerful and confident. It makes it’s presence known.

Build the life you want. It all starts with your mindset.

Some of you may read this and think I’m nuts. I’m okay with that.

The more you become YOU and strip yourself of the expectations and opinions of society and the less you crave the external acceptance and validation of others, the crazier you will look.

However, you will be at your happiest and more powerful in ways that you never imagined were even possible, because the road to happiness comes from self love and authenticity. Not the people around you.

You’ll live a life full of joy and fufillment. The obstacles in life won’t break you down, because you’ll learn they are lessons. Same with the people you dislike. The people we dislike reflect the things that we need to heal or confront within ourselves. You don’t realize it, but if you dig deep, you’ll find it’s true. Once you do, this person won’t have the same effect on you. You’ll find yourself even having compassion for them. That’s what you want. Anger and hatred serve you only no good and hold you back.

I know we all come from different walks of life. I’m not looking to force my beliefs on you, no debates necessary. Different point of views are what make life interesting.

However, I know some of you know where I’m coming from but are living in a place of fear and paralyzation.

Let my words swirl around in your mind. If you don’t agree, that’s okay. Do what works for you. If you do, or can relate, I hope this helped or encouraged you. Even if it was just a little bit ❤️

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Confession

I have been physically, emotionally, verbally and mentally abused.

I, then, went out into the world and physically, emotionally, verbally and mentally abused others.

I hate that I became what I hated the most. I emulated what I witnessed because I was taught that was empowerment. That was the way you showed other people dominance. Bullying, mean comments. It meant you were tough.

However…

I have NEVER embraced these behaviors as something that people would have to just “take or leave”

I knew that although these behaviors felt impulsive, that they were wrong. The whole “impulse” thing was not an excuse. That did not make it okay.

I have never sat here for one second and thought I have no faults.

To the best of my abilities, I’ve always tried to correct the behaviors I inherited that were hurting both me and others.

Even as a child, I knew something was wrong. Even if I didn’t quite understand what exactly that was.

I’ve gone to therapy for years. It’s helped tremendously but it wasn’t foul proof. I didn’t become who I was overnight, so it took a long time to literally reprogram who I was entirely as a person.

But I tried.

Fuck, did I try.

I didn’t just go to therapy so some woman could sit there and hear me bitch about my life and play victim. I had to face a lot of truths.

Show me one person who likes to sit there and be told they have fucked up, time and time again? That shit is far from fun. It’s embarrassing and it’s painful.

I slowly incorporated what I was taught into my life. I did the exercises. I did the coping mechanisms. It was a loooooong process and my ass is far from done.

I’m sure that process was unbearable for anyone who had to deal with me at the time. I honestly didn’t know how to help myself. I had issues with emotional regulation and impulse control. I would cling to anyone who had ears to hear me vent and cry.

I understand now that that was toxic and I’m sorry if I put you in that situation. I’m pretty sure it was draining. Believe it or not, I was doing the best I could, at the time anyways.

I was expecting others to fix me, but I needed to do that.

I did learn. I’m in a healthier place. I’m happier and I’m emotionally more independent.

There is a part of me that empathizes with those who have hurt others. They are lost souls.

You know what I can’t take?

People who think they do no wrong. People who cannot apologize. People who REFUSE to apologize. People who do not self reflect. People who have no interest in empathizing with another person.

Don’t fool yourself, because about 90 percent of the time, these people know what they are doing. They know they are hurting you.

You wanna know how I know that? Because these are the same people who will flip the fuck out at the drop of a hat when they feel disrespected and boy is it a spectacle when they do!

They know they are hurting you. They just don’t give a fuck. People like that live in misery, so hurting you makes them feel better. Your happiness irks the shit out of them. I can’t respect that.

I’m done with dealing with people that behave this way. I’ve learned I leave with more pain than I do relief because these people literally do not give a fuck how much they’ve hurt you.

They would rather lose a relationship with you and never see you again than to admit the possibility that they might have hurt you and maybe, just MAYBE, they might have fucked up.

Everyone is very much “Love And Hip Hop” when it comes to confrontation. “Bitch, if you had a problem with me, why didn’t you say anything?!”

I’m sorry, but what in the fuck do you gain calling or meeting up with someone on a beautiful day to tell them how they made you feel and how they hurt you, only to be met with condescension, sarcasm, mockery, yelling, denial, invalidation, disrespect and insults?

What’s more important? Looking “tough” and being deemed as worthy by a person who could literally give two shits about your feelings, the quality of your relationship and well being OR you actually investing your time in people and activities that bring you joy and happiness?

Stop fucking with these people. Don’t waste your time worrying about their opinions, because they never cared about yours to begin with.

Focus on you, the inner work. Forgive yourself for your sins, because there is no going back. You decide who you are from this point forward.

If this does incite anger in you, ask yourself why? Is there a part of you that identifies with what I said? If this pissed you off, you have to have identified with it on some level.

There’s a great analogy YouTuber Nu Mindframe made (She’s awesome by the way, check her out)

I KNOW I’m not quoting this verbatim, but I thought the analogy was brilliant.

I am an average height, tanned, Hispanic woman.

If a stranger came up to me and said “You giant, pale Chinese bitch!!”, irate and foaming at the mouth…

I would laugh and think to myself, “This woman is insane”

Why?

Because my ass clearly is not Chinese, pale and far from being a giant.

What this person said is literally nonsense. It doesn’t apply to me. It doesn’t relate to me in the slightest. Why would it bother me?

But if it bothered you, why? Dig a little deeper. You may find the answer has way more to do with you and the way you feel about yourself subconsciously than this blog post.

Some of you may read this and feel less dirty, less alone, empowered.

Some of you may read this and really hate the fuck out of me, think I’m a hypocrite, I’m crazy

blah blah blah…

However,

I’m the one brave enough to own my fuckups, my shortcomings.

I’m the one brave enough to share them on a platform visible to the entire world.

While some of you will never look deeper than the bathroom mirror.

I’ll take my authenticity, filthy and flawed over the picture perfect shield you’ve created for yourself there any day of the week.

That’s all folks, until next time ✌🏽

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Forgiveness?

I had someone contact me from my past who hurt me very deeply. I’ve always had such a hard time with forgiveness. Holding grudges has always been easier.

For a long time, I was unapologetically proud of my refusal to forgive people. I thought carrying resentment meant I was strong. I thought it made me powerful.

I subconsciously worked hard at maintaining that feeling. All the while, miserable and exhausted because hatred is draining.

I read something in the book “The 4 Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz.

I am not quoting this verbatim, but he explains that we are all doing the best we can.

We can not fault people for what they do because that’s what they were taught. They didn’t know any better. They were trained to behave the way they do since birth. We are all born innocent, a clean slate. The rest is taught to us.

Your opinions and thoughts will more than likely mirror what you experienced during childhood. So if a person is going around hurting people left and right, it is because they too are wounded. Happy and healthy people look to uplift and empower others. Hurt people are the ones who hurt others.

I came to the realization that I felt I needed to keep those grudges because they made me feel safe. I love to love. I can be very idealistic and I often root for the underdog, even if the potential I see will never realistically come to fruition. Knowing this about myself and from being burned in the past, I felt a need stay angry to keep me from developing warmth towards this person again.

I was afraid forgiveness meant rolling out the welcome mat for my offender, putting myself at risk of experiencing the same hurtful situation again.

I was afraid forgiveness would make me gullible. It was safer continue to actively dislike these people. That meant reliving these painful memories over and over again.

Every time my wound would begin to develop a scab, I’d rip it off. I thought that made me strong and tough. If I fed my hate on a consistent basis, they could never hurt me again.

Until I realized something.

I really couldn’t hate anyone. It wasn’t in my nature to truly be that way. On the contrary, I loved them. That’s what hurt the most. Every single one of them. I was very angry though and that I did not know how to let go of. Anger is usually a secondary emotion to pain.

That’s why I was having such a hard time. I was going against the grain.

As a defense mechanism, I was reliving these memories over and over again. I was fighting who I actually was inside in order to protect myself. All this negativity weighed me down. It kept me sad, depressed, miserable. I wasn’t allowing myself to heal.

I realized, I could allow myself to love this person and maybe feel some compassion for them. I didn’t have to welcome them back into my life in order to move on. I didn’t even have to speak to them ever again.

I didn’t have to hate them, but I could hate what they did to me.

I could have empathy for them because like me, this person was more than likely was also hurting.

Just like me, this person hurt others by acting out behavioral patterns they picked up on years ago and were taught to be acceptable. This person didn’t become who they were overnight. It took years and years of mistreatment in order to create what they had become.

Maybe this person wasn’t the villain I made them out to be in my mind. Maybe being an ass was easier because confronting their pain was too scary.

We are all gifted and unique in some way, shape or form. Some of us can dance better than others, cook better than others, swim better than others…

I think you get my point.

With that being said, it’s possible that the person who hurt you does not have the ability to self reflect. Some may never be brave or strong enough to stare those demons in the face and fight back.

Like you, they may have been battered. They may not even realize it. If this is the case, that is a tragedy. They will always live in a world of pain and misery. They may always repeat the same pattern. Like a song set on repeat.

Once you realize and accept this, you have to be honest with yourself. This person’s actions hurt you. People rarely change, and if they do, it will be because they want to. It won’t be because you told them to. They have to see the light on their own.

With that being said there’s a HUGE chance they will repeat the same actions again. That’s the hard cold truth.

They will continue to relive the same pattern over and over again. They don’t know any different and the ability to reflect and recognize what’s wrong just isn’t there. This is their normality.

At some point or another, we have all been the villain is someone’s story. We ALL have toxic behavioral patterns we subconsciously act out every single day. Sadly, some of us do for the rest of our lives. They aren’t much different from you.

The difference is your ability to look within and the hunger to want to do better. That will never exist for some people. They will continue to live unhappily for the rest of their lives because self reflection will never be their strong point.

It’s okay to love them. It doesn’t make you stupid. You can’t help what you feel. Instead, hate the behavior. Recognize it. Never forget how toxic and painful the experience was. Learn the lesson here, because you may encounter it again in someone else and this time, you’ll know better.

I love this person but I hate the pain they inflicted on me. I recognize this person is more than likely hurting like I am or was at some point. I realize they are more than likely living out a behavioral pattern they were taught many years ago, just like me.

I cannot judge someone for repeating the same toxic acts over and over again because once upon a time, I was that person too. I was once the bad guy too.

This behavior hurts me and does not serve my higher good. Because it is my job to love, honor and protect myself, I cannot allow this person to ever have the opportunity to do this to me again.

I can have that compassion and love, while never giving this person access to my heart and the ability to put me in the same position in the future.

We aren’t too different from the people who hurt us at some point. Maybe our behavioral pattern doesn’t resemble theirs at all. Maybe what they were taught is more harmful, more severe.

We all have one thing in common though: emotional injury.

We were all wounded, in some way, shape or form. We are all subsciously repeating some sort of pattern we witnessed as children and I can guarantee you’ve hurt someone as a result of it. It just manifests itself in ways you’ve probably never realized.

When I allowed myself to see things this way, my anger subsided a bit.

So, if you still love someone who hurt you and feel shame for it, don’t.

It’s okay to love them. You don’t have to hate them. But you can hate what they did to you and never permit that sort of treatment from anyone ever again.

Learn the moral of the story. Don’t let that experience block your blessings and growth.

Love, learn, live and move on. Focus on your healing. You don’t have to allow this person back into your life. Let go of the hate though. It will eat you alive whether you realize it or not.

If you held a snake and it bit you so hard, it drew blood, would you continue to make yourself vulnerable to the animal? Would you continue to offer your hand? Would you lose sleep, time and energy reliving the injury in your mind over and over again?

No, probably not.

You’d realize that that is the snake’s nature. It will never change. You just know better next time, but you aren’t allowing that animal to rent space in your mind.

A snake is a snake. No matter how friendly you are, you can’t ignore the fact that it may always view you as prey. Recognize that, and move on.

This will not work for everyone. I get that. Forgiveness is tough. Some people die never coming to peace with the issue or the person who hurt them. Pain has the capability to be so horrific, the thought of even trying can induce a breakdown.

Changing my perspective worked for me. I mean, the healing process isn’t instantaneous. However, I feel like I’ve begun to release the poison that lived in my body for a long time. It’s a good feeling.

As always, much love to you all.

Thank you for reading ❤️

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