Phantom Menace: Why People Ghost Each Other

Why do people ghost each other?

There are several possibilities:

⁃ The person does not care and is incapable of remorse.

⁃ The person does not know how to communicate in a healthy way.

⁃ The person struggles with codependency and doesn’t want to upset anyone.

⁃ The person is at their wits end and has verbalized their feelings with no results

⁃ The person fears there will be nothing to gain from the conversation but stress, pain and feel the conversation will impact their mental health in a negative way.

If the person who ghosted you is incapable of remorse or struggles with communication, consider it a favor. It’s better to learn a person has no remorse by disappearing than being put in a situation that endangers your well being. If a person struggles with communication and they ghosted you, it is for the best, It’s a big issue and if they have shown NO efforts to acknowledge this within themselves, this is always going to be a problem. You can’t have a healthy relationship with poor communication the same way you can’t start a fire under water. It’s just not possible. So, better that they walk away if that’s the case.

With that being said…

I ghost people.

I wasn’t always like this. We all have lived different lives with totally different experiences. I can only speak from what I have learned from mine.

So before you grab your pitchforks, and burn me at the stake, read on.

I was the type of person who would approach people who upset me with hopes of clearing up miscommunication and creating reconciliation.

While I wasn’t the best communicator, I tried my best to list factual information and to give explanations on how those situations made me feel. I never came from a place of malice. I never wanted or intended to hurt anyone. I know I can come off a bit strong, but my goal was always to reach a level of mutual understanding and a solution.

When I would do this, I began to realize people didn’t value me or relationships the way I did. They didn’t care about what I was expressing or my feelings. They could not empathize. They weren’t interested in understanding where I was coming from or putting themselves in my shoes. They weren’t capable of self reflection or taking responsibility for themselves. I was more emotionally invested in our relationship than they were.

They usually became defensive, as well as insulting and would proceed to undermine me. I was met with the famous phrases we all know so well: “You’re crazy, that didn’t happen, you’re so difficult, you’re problematic, you’re a trouble maker, you’re a drama queen, you’re always starting trouble, you’re exaggerating, you’re so sensitive, I was treated like that as a child, it’s no big deal”

Invalidating me was the easier option. Entertaining the mere possibility I was right would mean having to admit their wrongs and mistakes. That is no easy feat, I’ll be the first one to admit it. Their pride and ego was more important to them then the quality of our relationship. That’s the blunt truth. It’s much easier to point the finger at the black sheep and to claim they are looking for trouble again.

Here are the sad facts: 9 out of 10 people will always be who they are now and will never change. Even if they do, it will be for them, not you. Also, as they get older, it rarely improves and usually will get worse.

Confronting someone who has hurt you and invalidated you is a huge threat to your mental health. You’re not supposed to put yourself in situations that threaten your mental health. You’re supposed to be protecting yourself from situations that can do that to you. We are the ones responsible for keeping ourselves healthy.

If you’re confronting someone who’s behavior demonstrates apathy, doesn’t take you seriously, undermines you, doesn’t respect you, makes fun of you, mocks you, invalidates you, makes less of your accomplishments, treats you like you’re inferior to them, insults you, doesn’t admit their faults, doesn’t have an open mind or isn’t able to shift their perspective, you put yourself at risk of being severally drained, emotionally abused, manipulated and hurt. This sort of treatment erodes your self esteem and can discourage you from wanting to speak your mind in the future. It may even cause you to potentially spiral into a breakdown.

How is that fair? Why even do that? To consider someone else’s feelings? What do you gain from that? Because it’s the “right” thing to do? What behavior has ever been displayed by this person to indicate that they prioritize your feelings, take you seriously and respect you?

Screw that. If ghosting protects your mental health, go for it with no guilt. It’s our responsibility and job to protect and prioritize our emotional, spiritual and mental state. NO one comes before that. I will keep repeating that until the day I die because some people do not believe they deserve to prioritize themselves. It’s a tragedy.

I’m not running a charm school here. No one is paying me to teach ethics, morals and values. This isn’t grade school. It’s not my job to teach people how to behave, teach people where they went wrong and how they were disrespectful.

We are not responsible for the mental health and feelings of other people. We are not responsible for making them understand. We are not responsible for soothing and comforting the egos of others.

Being upset, angry, and resentful is all a part of the human experience.

If they are upset, they can do what I do. Journal, go for a run, practice a coping skill, do something productive and healthy. They can make the decision to see a therapist like I did. They can choose to take responsibility for themselves like I did.

In terms of the dating world, I’m kind of on the fence.

I think if you date someone and the relationship is no longer healthy, there is the need to express it is over.

This should be done with tact, respect and empathy and compassion. Breakups can be really horrific and devastating.

However…

You should not have to baby a person, you should not have to continue to express why, you should not have to explain your feelings over and over again. You should not feel responsible for their actions, because you have no control over what they choose to do.

This person has every right to hate you, resent you, want to gouge your eyes out.

Again, however…

They aren’t allowed to emotionally dump or overwhelm you, they aren’t allowed to disrespect you, they aren’t allowed to call you a million times when you made it clear you don’t want to speak. They aren’t allowed to curse you out or call you names. You aren’t responsible for saving them from themselves.

The codependent part of us feels the need to play savior out of guilt and to people please. We don’t want people to hate us. We want to be liked by everyone.

Here’s the thing: You can’t control what people think of you and if you’re consumed with the fear of disappointing others or being disliked, it is also very likely that you’ll find yourself back in that relationship all over again.

You’ll put your own needs on the back burner. You’ll grow resentful. Then the whole process starts all over again and it usually gets uglier as the cycle proceeds.

This is another reason why many people ghost each other.

They know there is the potential for drama and they don’t want to deal with the stress of it. They don’t want to be responsible for the happiness of someone else, rightfully so. That’s draining and again, not your job.

That may sound fucked up, and it’s something I know would’ve made me irate years ago if someone had said it to me, but, a person has the right to leave you if they are unhappy.

Just because they hurt you does not mean that they are obligated to be your punching bag. Even if you feel they deserve it, you’re supposed to be processing your emotions in ways that are healthy and that don’t put you or the people in your life in danger. Treating this person like shit isn’t going to make you feel better. It’s not going to improve the quality of your life. It’s not going to make the pain go away. You can’t prioritize yourself the way you’re supposed to and you will never heal or move on if you’re fixated on another person.

They were not happy with the situation and they’ve decided this is what’s best for them. All we can do is respect that, let go and move forward.

Crying, begging, pleading does nothing but pressure a person out of pity and guilt to cater to you when they just told you they don’t want you. When you are forced to do something, you get spiteful. You’re not living for you. You’re living to create happiness for another human being and that is an exhausting and impossible task.

When you speak your truth, you run the risk of hurting others and that sucks. That’s not a good enough reason to live dishonestly though. We don’t choose an authentic life to make others happy. It’s a choice we make because that’s the only way you can live truly fulfilled. All you can do is to try your best to always come from a place of love, kindness, warmth and compassion while being mindful of your boundaries.

I have been on both sides of the coin here.

So…

If you are the one that has been ghosted, I’m sorry. There’s no way around it. It’s very, very painful.

Know that the situation is not reflective of your self worth and your worthiness of love.

“You do not have to earn love. You are lovable because you exist” – Louise Hay

For whatever reason, you’re not meant to continue your journey with this person. You were not meant to evolve in the same direction. You have your own path, wants and needs to cater to and they have their own.

Understand that people, whether it be by death or other circumstances, always come with an expiration date. We don’t own anyone. No one is promised to us for a lifetime. Appreciate what was good and then learn to let go.

A cool friend once advised me to ask myself this question consistently:

“What do I need to learn from this experience in order to evolve?”

This person was your teacher and the experience was the lesson. Learn from it, because if not, you will keep attracting situations where you’re in the same dilemma all over again. What you don’t learn, you will repeat.

Allow yourself to feel the entire spectrum of emotions. Allow yourself to be mad. Allow yourself to be angry, allow yourself to cry. Don’t camp out there though.

Someone told me Beyoncé gives herself 24 hours to be sad, then does what she has to do to proceed with her life. I like that. She’s allowing herself to process. She’s not repressing. She’s also showing herself love by going through the motions of life. She knows you have two choices. You can sit at home, cry and feel sorry for yourself, or you can do things that make you feel empowered.

I watch Teal Swan’s videos on YouTube. I mentioned her a lot. She frequently influences and inspires me. She quoted something regarding happiness that was so powerful to me.

“You want to be happy? Stop seeking and chasing happiness. Accept the present moment. Live in present. Seek relief. Relief brings release. We either pick relief or stress. We pick what makes us feel better, or what makes us feel worse”- Teal Swan

Write this quote down. Put it on the wall. Put it on the lock screen of your phone. It is life changing. It’s said that living in the past and the future is self hatred. When you live by this quote, it forces you to be present. It forces you to love, prioritize and cater to yourself completely. You’re creating a life of happiness without even realizing you’re doing so. Things start to feel effortless.

Treat yourself the way you would your very best friend or child. Honor yourself. Do the things you love. Do the things you loved to do as a child. Develop hobbies. Listen to positive affirmations. Listen to music. Dance. Write. Validate yourself. Accept yourself.

So then, if you ever find yourself being ghosted in the future, you can say this to yourself:

“This person’s behavior demonstrates that for personal reasons they chose not to share, they wish to be left alone. They come first in their lives, the way I come first in mine. If they feel it’s best to go our separate ways, it’s my job to move on. I need to respect and come to terms with that. I am responsible for continuing to make myself the focal point of my life. I, more than ever, need to take the best physical, mental and emotional care of myself possible. My job is to try my best to fall into alignment and to avoid things and people that pull me out of it”

Don’t demand closure. Closure is a hoax. Those who talk the talk but aren’t walking the walk are being honest with you through their actions. Enough said.

Instead, practice self love and self acceptance. Recite positive affirmations. Release the emotions. Release resistance. Let go. Practice gratitude. Stay in the present moment.

Until next time ✌🏽

Sigh…

So, my psychiatrist told me yesterday that I have C-PTSD.

PTSD is usually caused by a traumatic event, while C-PTSD stems from long-term, on going trauma.

It doesn’t really change anything. Everything is pretty much all the same. You just continue to work on healing, like I already am.

Yet somehow, finding out kind of fucked me up.

I found myself crying and sobbing. I’ve got to admit, I was kind of confused and surprised by my reaction. I actually apologized to the doctor, like I’d passed gas in front of him.

I’ve already started healing and processing childhood trauma. Mental illness isn’t something new to me. I’d been working on it for years, educating myself and practicing my coping skills for quite sometime.

I think it was just oddly validating.

I’ve been told to stop living in the past. I know I get looked at like I am victimizing myself. It’s always made me feel bad.

People think it’s a choice. I don’t choose to feel the way I do or experience life the way I do. Why would anyone? Why would anyone even lie about feeling this way? It’s not like it makes you look good. I’m already looked upon as crazy as is.

This is not fun. It’s definitely not when you’re looked at like an exaggerator. Like you’re behaving the way you do for attention.

Things now make a little more sense.

Flashbacks, relieving and thinking of traumatic experiences over and over again, avoiding certain things out of fear of crying and becoming emotional, being easily startled and triggered by things that others normally wouldn’t be, paranoia, loss of trust in people, difficulty regulating emotions, difficulty controlling anger, fixation on abuser/s…

All things I’ve been experiencing for years and all things I’ve been judged for. Do people’s opinions matter? No. It doesn’t make it any less painful though. No matter what, it always stings to know that people think negatively of you, no matter how hard you try not to let it get to you.

I knew about the depression and the mood swings. Others did too. So that wasn’t really looked upon as odd. At least not at this point.

I know people looked at me and judged me for still being in a state of pain because of things that happened long ago. Like I was making excuses.

I started to wonder if that was true. Was I choosing this? I didn’t think I was, because it honestly made me feel bad to be thought of in that “woe is me” way. It’s not exactly a good look.

Now, it makes sense

I wasn’t doing this to myself. It was something that was happening to me that I didn’t have control over.

Again, everything is still the same. Now, I just know. Now, there’s a reason why. Knowing the “why” and how something originated has always helped me figure out how to solve any problem.

I dont have to feel like a failure about the fact that the past still hurts me and has affected me in different ways. I know I’m not “crazy”?

I dont know…Whatever.

I write to make sense out of shit because my feelings tend to hit me like a fucking truck and I don’t realize what’s happened or what I’ve done until the dust settles. As my psychiatrist said “Shoot first, ask questions later”.

Now I know that how important it really is for me to continue the healing process and why it’s been so hard to begin with. It’s not just something I need to do because it will “help” me. Now I understand how crucial it actually is.

Things just make sense now.

As I said, nothing really changes. I’ve just got to keep doing what I’m doing. I’ll probably read up on it, just to possibly help myself in ways that had never occurred to me before. New pointers are always good. Plus learning will help me, help you guys. I’ll be able to tell you about all my new found skills 😂

I debated sharing this. I was kind of embarrassed. But isn’t that kind of the problem in the first place? It’s the reason I started this blog. Things like this only become comfortable to talk about when YOU talk about them. Author Brene Brown teaches us that speaking about our vulnerability and shame is what connects us. Talking about our pain not only is healing, but it peels away all the superficial layers we’ve been hiding behind. It unites us because we can all relate to each others experiences.

So, let’s make it safe and comfortable for others to open up too. That’s the only way things in the mental health world will be regarded compassionately, seriously and respectfully.

Thank you for reading ❤️

Stop F$!?#%* Asking Me How You Look

I hate when people ask me what they should do with their appearance.

I am flattered you value my opinion, don’t get me wrong. However, why do you care what I think?

What I think does not matter.

I was surrounded by standard beauty growing up and wasn’t really able to express my individuality until over the age of 18.

When I did, I was literally criticized all the time.

I have colored my hair all sorts of colors and have been judged for it.

I have cut my hair and have been picked apart for it.

I’ve had about 4-5 piercings in my face and was criticized for it.

I have had outfits that I have been put down for wearing.

I’ve been given funny looks and have been told things like:

“Why did you do that?”

“You looked prettier before”

“I liked your hair when it was longer”

“I liked your hair when it was darker”

“Why did you do that to your face?”

“No, that doesn’t look right”

Yet, I kept doing my own thing because I felt good.

I liked what I saw in the mirror.

What I saw made me happy and it made me feel brave, bold and unique to stand out from the crowd.

I also received lot of praise and compliments such as:

“My goodness, that’s so beautiful”

“I wish I could do that”

“I wish I had the face for that”

I’ve even had people reach out to me to thank me because I inspired them to make changes they desperately wanted to make for their own appearance.

That always felt really, really good.

The approval was irrelevant to me. It was thrilling to try new things to look the way I wanted. Had I lived according to everyone’s opinions, I wouldn’t have taken those risks that ultimately resulted in my happiness and satisfaction.

When I did choose to go around asking for the opinions of others, I was told not to because it would look ugly, bad, disgusting, etc..

The irony? The same people who would hit me with criticism started looking a lot like me.

The criticism you hear from others is coming from a place of someone else’s fears and limitations. These people are afraid to be themselves and to stray from what’s considered acceptable. Why would they encourage you to be bold and unique when they don’t even have the balls to do it themselves? Only when YOU break the mold and receive the praise, do they feel safe enough to do the same. Mostly because they desire the same positive reaction others gave you.

In reality, they still aren’t being themselves. We don’t know what and who they are and what they like because THEY don’t know who they are and what they like. That’s why they go around copying everyone’s shit. They want the same admiration you got. You’d be surprised that sometimes your critics are your greatest fans.

Wear and look however and whichever way you want. Fuck what anyone else thinks because again, those who pick on you for it are more often than not undercover fans.

I say this a lot and I’m going to say it again.

The only path to happiness is authenticity.

You express authenticity through appearance.

Look the way you want and OWN THAT SHIT. UNAPOLOGETICALLY.

Fuck what anyone else thinks.

That right there is what earns you respect.

At this point of my life, I’d rather be respected than accepted.

Stop Making Your Food Taste Like Shit

Your life is like a meal you are preparing for yourself. The people you choose to be in your life are the seasoning and spices you add to make your dish. The purpose of the spices and seasonings are to make the dish more flavorful.

Do you NEED them?

No, not necessarily. The food is edible without them. They make the dish heavenly and delectable though. They add and compliment the meal. They enhance and bring out the best of the meal. By the time you’re done, you are happy, fulfilled and satisfied.

Now, if you try a spice and you don’t like it or it makes your food taste nasty, why would you cook with it? Why would you add more? Why would you continue to eat it?

The moral here?

You need no one once you learn to love and care for yourself. There is no one to complete you. You are whole. You always have been. Don’t let society, the films, the fairy tales, the tv shows or any living being make you feel differently. The people in your life aren’t there to make you happy. YOU are the one who is responsible for making YOU happy.

The people in your life are OPTIONAL. They are to there CONTRIBUTE to that joy, to HELP and bring out the BEST in you. To push you to achieve your dreams. To motivate and help you believe in yourself.

If a person only adds pain, anger, insecurity, criticism, pessimism, difficulty and blocks you from your blessings, goals and reaching your full potential, if this person is holding you back and spends time baiting you with the intentions of bringing out the worst in you…

Why stick around? It’s not necessary. We aren’t supposed to NEED people in our lives. That’s unhealthy. That’s codependence, look into it if you don’t know what that is. We are supposed to WANT them in our lives and we are supposed to pick those who make life EASIER and LIGHTER.

The inevitable we experience in everyday life makes things hard as it is.

Why continue to deal with someone who is guaranteed to make it even more difficult? I promise you, you will be fine, if not better off because you are without them.

Throw the repulsive spice away.

Remember the way it tasted the first time you cooked with it.

Avoid using it in the future.

The Pledge Of Self Respect And Mental Peace

I pledge to never again put myself in an environment where I am uncomfortable and am being treated poorly by the people around me.

I pledge to no longer do things or to be around people that threaten my mental health for the sake of pleasing others, living by their expectations or being considered “respectful” and “doing the right thing”

I pledge to no longer anger, rile and upset myself by engaging in debates, arguments and the blame game.

I pledge to only confront if it serves my higher good.

I pledge to only take part in conversations that aim to problem solve and find solutions.

With a person who truly loves and values you, that’s a conversation that is respectful, feels safe and brings you serenity.

Consider this the next time you find yourself in conflict, because when someone approaches you aggressively, sarcastically, yells, patronizes, demeans, name calls, invalidates and curses, with the inability to apologize, self reflect or take personal responsibility…

The translation is:

“I’m unhappy and you are my doormat. Taking your peace of mind, dignity, self esteem and self respect will supply me with the boost I need for today. Please play with me.”

Choose not to participate. Don’t show up.

Forgiveness?

I had someone contact me from my past who hurt me very deeply. I’ve always had such a hard time with forgiveness. Holding grudges has always been easier.

For a long time, I was unapologetically proud of my refusal to forgive people. I thought carrying resentment meant I was strong. I thought it made me powerful.

I subconsciously worked hard at maintaining that feeling. All the while, miserable and exhausted because hatred is draining.

I read something in the book “The 4 Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz.

I am not quoting this verbatim, but he explains that we are all doing the best we can.

We can not fault people for what they do because that’s what they were taught. They didn’t know any better. They were trained to behave the way they do since birth. We are all born innocent, a clean slate. The rest is taught to us.

Your opinions and thoughts will more than likely mirror what you experienced during childhood. So if a person is going around hurting people left and right, it is because they too are wounded. Happy and healthy people look to uplift and empower others. Hurt people are the ones who hurt others.

I came to the realization that I felt I needed to keep those grudges because they made me feel safe. I love to love. I can be very idealistic and I often root for the underdog, even if the potential I see will never realistically come to fruition. Knowing this about myself and from being burned in the past, I felt a need stay angry to keep me from developing warmth towards this person again.

I was afraid forgiveness meant rolling out the welcome mat for my offender, putting myself at risk of experiencing the same hurtful situation again.

I was afraid forgiveness would make me gullible. It was safer continue to actively dislike these people. That meant reliving these painful memories over and over again.

Every time my wound would begin to develop a scab, I’d rip it off. I thought that made me strong and tough. If I fed my hate on a consistent basis, they could never hurt me again.

Until I realized something.

I really couldn’t hate anyone. It wasn’t in my nature to truly be that way. On the contrary, I loved them. That’s what hurt the most. Every single one of them. I was very angry though and that I did not know how to let go of. Anger is usually a secondary emotion to pain.

That’s why I was having such a hard time. I was going against the grain.

As a defense mechanism, I was reliving these memories over and over again. I was fighting who I actually was inside in order to protect myself. All this negativity weighed me down. It kept me sad, depressed, miserable. I wasn’t allowing myself to heal.

I realized, I could allow myself to love this person and maybe feel some compassion for them. I didn’t have to welcome them back into my life in order to move on. I didn’t even have to speak to them ever again.

I didn’t have to hate them, but I could hate what they did to me.

I could have empathy for them because like me, this person was more than likely was also hurting.

Just like me, this person hurt others by acting out behavioral patterns they picked up on years ago and were taught to be acceptable. This person didn’t become who they were overnight. It took years and years of mistreatment in order to create what they had become.

Maybe this person wasn’t the villain I made them out to be in my mind. Maybe being an ass was easier because confronting their pain was too scary.

We are all gifted and unique in some way, shape or form. Some of us can dance better than others, cook better than others, swim better than others…

I think you get my point.

With that being said, it’s possible that the person who hurt you does not have the ability to self reflect. Some may never be brave or strong enough to stare those demons in the face and fight back.

Like you, they may have been battered. They may not even realize it. If this is the case, that is a tragedy. They will always live in a world of pain and misery. They may always repeat the same pattern. Like a song set on repeat.

Once you realize and accept this, you have to be honest with yourself. This person’s actions hurt you. People rarely change, and if they do, it will be because they want to. It won’t be because you told them to. They have to see the light on their own.

With that being said there’s a HUGE chance they will repeat the same actions again. That’s the hard cold truth.

They will continue to relive the same pattern over and over again. They don’t know any different and the ability to reflect and recognize what’s wrong just isn’t there. This is their normality.

At some point or another, we have all been the villain is someone’s story. We ALL have toxic behavioral patterns we subconsciously act out every single day. Sadly, some of us do for the rest of our lives. They aren’t much different from you.

The difference is your ability to look within and the hunger to want to do better. That will never exist for some people. They will continue to live unhappily for the rest of their lives because self reflection will never be their strong point.

It’s okay to love them. It doesn’t make you stupid. You can’t help what you feel. Instead, hate the behavior. Recognize it. Never forget how toxic and painful the experience was. Learn the lesson here, because you may encounter it again in someone else and this time, you’ll know better.

I love this person but I hate the pain they inflicted on me. I recognize this person is more than likely hurting like I am or was at some point. I realize they are more than likely living out a behavioral pattern they were taught many years ago, just like me.

I cannot judge someone for repeating the same toxic acts over and over again because once upon a time, I was that person too. I was once the bad guy too.

This behavior hurts me and does not serve my higher good. Because it is my job to love, honor and protect myself, I cannot allow this person to ever have the opportunity to do this to me again.

I can have that compassion and love, while never giving this person access to my heart and the ability to put me in the same position in the future.

We aren’t too different from the people who hurt us at some point. Maybe our behavioral pattern doesn’t resemble theirs at all. Maybe what they were taught is more harmful, more severe.

We all have one thing in common though: emotional injury.

We were all wounded, in some way, shape or form. We are all subsciously repeating some sort of pattern we witnessed as children and I can guarantee you’ve hurt someone as a result of it. It just manifests itself in ways you’ve probably never realized.

When I allowed myself to see things this way, my anger subsided a bit.

So, if you still love someone who hurt you and feel shame for it, don’t.

It’s okay to love them. You don’t have to hate them. But you can hate what they did to you and never permit that sort of treatment from anyone ever again.

Learn the moral of the story. Don’t let that experience block your blessings and growth.

Love, learn, live and move on. Focus on your healing. You don’t have to allow this person back into your life. Let go of the hate though. It will eat you alive whether you realize it or not.

If you held a snake and it bit you so hard, it drew blood, would you continue to make yourself vulnerable to the animal? Would you continue to offer your hand? Would you lose sleep, time and energy reliving the injury in your mind over and over again?

No, probably not.

You’d realize that that is the snake’s nature. It will never change. You just know better next time, but you aren’t allowing that animal to rent space in your mind.

A snake is a snake. No matter how friendly you are, you can’t ignore the fact that it may always view you as prey. Recognize that, and move on.

This will not work for everyone. I get that. Forgiveness is tough. Some people die never coming to peace with the issue or the person who hurt them. Pain has the capability to be so horrific, the thought of even trying can induce a breakdown.

Changing my perspective worked for me. I mean, the healing process isn’t instantaneous. However, I feel like I’ve begun to release the poison that lived in my body for a long time. It’s a good feeling.

As always, much love to you all.

Thank you for reading ❤️

The Death Of The False Self

I feel like I have nothing in common with most people and have felt this way for most of my life.

Truth be told, I never cared for casual hangouts. I only tolerated them in hopes of developing deep connections with people in the future and it didn’t happen.

For over 10 years, I made the effort to try to connect with others by overextending myself, throwing social gatherings, racking my brain to try to come up with shit to talk about. I would literally talk just to TALK.

When I did, it was to mainly gossip. Surface level, toxic shit that now seems so irrelevant and silly. I did not understand how detrimental it all was.

I would tell people everything about my life to seem relatable. I would talk only about what was wrong with my life and I even went as far as discussing the less desirable parts of my marriage in an attempt to look cool, while omitting all the wonderful parts, taking it for granted.

You want to hear the funny part? I hid the good because I thought if I talked about being happy with my husband or being happy in general, I would annoy people.

Yup. I didn’t discuss my happiness out of fear that it would get on people’s nerves.

I look back now, and knowing what I know, if speaking about your happiness annoys others, are you really amongst the right people?

I was disloyal to the one person who has always shown me unconditional loyalty for the sake of being again, more likable. I valued the opinions of others more than I respected the privacy of my marriage and wish I could take it all back.

I don’t really drink anymore. I’m not saying I’ll never have one again. I just now understand I had an unhealthy relationship with it (I don’t understand what a healthy relationship with alcohol is considering the shit has no nutritional benefits or benefits in general but whatever.)

I would drink to calm my nerves to get along with people and rid myself of social anxiety. To be considered entertaining and fun.

One of my biggest goals is to learn to be completely confident, comfortable and have a good time without the help of alcohol. Self love and acceptance basically.

I don’t care enough anymore to consume something that’s bad for me for the sake of having fun with someone else.

Think about it.

Would you need to drink if there were a real, healthy connection there to begin with?

It’s feeling like there’s something wrong with you as a person that makes you want to do anything to alter your personality.

Since when is being liked worth risking your safety, health and even dignity?

I’d wake up to find out that I’d made a fool out of myself the night before. The people who heavily encouraged drinking the next time we hung out were usually more interested in laughing at me than with me.

Today, I care most about whether I like myself and how my husband and son feel about me.

My energy is now directed towards myself and my family. It’s really just that simple.

If we have shit in common and things just flow organically, cool.

If not, it is what it is. That’s life. It’s nothing personal.

I know how this all sounds and I understand it may come across as holier than thou, pretentious, rude… maybe even nasty.

But when you put effort into trying to connect with everyone the majority of your young adulthood and you’re only met with apathy…

You reach the point where you just get tired of the lack of reciprocation and if you’re lucky, learn to make yourself the focal point instead. Forcing myself to relate to others always came to my expense, whether it was mentally, emotionally or even physically.

I chose to live a life of solitude in 2018. I didn’t understand why at first. I just knew I was unhappy and that my life needed to drastically change. Although difficult and depressing, I knew intuitively I was doing what was best for me.

As a result, I got to know myself. Being by yourself, you have no choice but to be exactly that. YOURSELF. It becomes addicting. You learn what you like, love, and hate without anyone’s opinions and criticism. There is no one to impress.

By living a life true to yourself, you become happier and healthier. You develop new hobbies. You become independent. Self sufficient. Easier decision making from listening to your inner voice rather than seeking external validation. You’re finally comfortable and capable of keeping yourself entertained. There isn’t a better feeling.

It comes with a price though…

When you become used to being true to yourself, it makes you HYPER aware of those moments where you feel the need to suppress or change your character.

Being something other than your authentic self feels intolerable. You lose ability to people please. The capability to endure discomfort to fit in now feels like putting on a pair of 5 inch heels for me. Sure they fit and they look good, but they hurt and give you blisters. I’d much rather throw mine in the ocean and run around barefoot.

You can never go back to being the same person again.

I’d say it’s worth it.

I’m not coming from a place of bitterness, but from a place of true desire to achieve genuine fulfillment and happiness.

I write everyday about everything because it’s therapeutic. The act of writing played a huge part in this process and still does. I learn more about myself and it helps me make sense of the world around me. I find solutions to my issues because I have a better understanding of them.

Through writing, I confront myself and you need to confront yourself in order to grow.

This blog forces me to write about things that make me uncomfortable and that’s the only way I’ve seen any positive changes in myself. By facing what brings me discomfort.

I share because you might relate too.

Who knows, maybe I’ll meet someone going through the same thing?

Maybe you’re behaving this way and need to know it’s unhealthy. Maybe you needed to read this to learn to focus on yourself more than others.

Look into codependency, because that’s what that experience was. Thankfully, I understand that now. I might blog about codependency in the future. It’s a painful yet very common issue that many people struggle with and probably don’t even know is a thing.

I made the choice not to accommodate anything that makes me feel less than or bad about who I am anymore.

If there’s no love, integrity, emotional support, concern, sensitivity, acceptance, encouragement, or inspiration…

It ain’t for me.

Soul Revival Tip #2: Laughter

One day, my husband and I had a disagreement. It was safe to say we were not each other’s favorite people at the moment. I was home and upset. I decided I needed to get my mind off of the issue. I wanted to shake off those negative emotions. So I decided to watch a stand up comedy.

As I watched, I laughed and laughed until my belly hurt and I thought I was going to piss myself. I had a moment of awareness in that instant. I scanned my emotional self and realized that although the problem with my husband and I had not been resolved, I felt better. My mood lifted and I felt lighter. I felt more at peace and joyful.

I came to the conclusion that the laughter that was induced by the comedy I was watching was responsible for this. I felt happier from laughing. Intrigued, I decided to perform sort of an experiment.

I played the stand up from the beginning when my husband arrived from work. I knew he was not going to sit down, let alone with me, and watch the film willingly. I raised the volume loud enough so that it could be heard from the other rooms while simultaneously keeping the neighbors from losing their hearing.

I could tell he was still pissed off at me. I greeted him hesitantly and let him be, giving him time to cool off. I noticed as the film played that although he was not watching it, it caught his attention and he was listening.

I watched his stiff, rigid body soften before my eyes. He gradually began to unwind. His breathing slowed. He would turn to the screen periodically and eventually, sat right next to me to watch.

As the film went on, he watched and listened intensely, even allowing a chuckle to escape his lips from time to time. Before I knew it, he was not angry anymore. He turned to me and I’m pretty sure said “Okay, what do you want to eat?” kindly. We made up after that.

Laughter, although induced by the film, made us feel better. It lifted our spirits. It took our minds off of the issue at hand. It calmed us and brought us to a more rational, relaxed state. That tranquility provided us with the clarity we needed in order to realize that our dispute was not a big deal. Not only were we able to carry on with the evening, but we were both in better places mentally and emotionally.

There are many studies that show laughter has the capability to trigger endorphins (the “happy” hormone), relax the body, stop distressing emotions, help you reenergize, calm stress hormones, as well as ease anxiety.

As for physical benefits, laughter can bring down blood pressure, burn calories, raise the production of immune cells and infection fighting antibodies (improving resistance to disease), renew the lungs, as well as relaxing the muscles relieving tension.

Laughter is so powerful that different establishments have been created in order to receive those benefits. There are laughter clubs, which is defined as a group of people gathering to practice laughter. There is laughter yoga, which is basically yoga and a laughter club combined. There is even laughter therapy, where patients in the hospital are presented with humorous activities to revitalize their bodies and spirits. Some medical professionals also make the effort to make their patients laugh because they know that it will improve the patient’s well-being.

So the next time you’re not feeling so hot, laugh. Find reasons to laugh. Watch a stand up comedy like I did that evening. Watch a funny video on YouTube or play your favorite comedic film. Call or hang out with a funny friend. Go to a comedy club. Play with your pet, tickle your kids (don’t kill them in the process). Your mental, physical and spiritual self will thank you for it later.

Soul Revival Tip #1: Audiobooks

I’ve always loved to read but recently, I’ve become obsessed with audiobooks. My favorite books tend to be self help/self improvement related. I find that listening to a soothing voice teaching you how to care for yourself in a time of emotional and psychological need can be powerful and incredibly impactful. It feels like someone is sitting right next to me, comforting me in my time of need.

Best of all, it’s available at all times. This means you can receive a boost of love and encouragement anytime you need it. This could be in the middle of the night when you can’t sleep. It could be on the train or your drive in to work as you mentally prepare for the next shift. It could even be when you’re going through a very difficult phase in life.

Audiobooks have been life changing for me. I do see a therapist once a week but sometimes it’s not enough. Sure, talking to other people can help. However, realistically we will not always have someone else around to help us. Therefore, we need to master the art of helping ourselves.

Telling other people your struggles can be a huge help but I’m sure you’ve also experienced times where it has backfired. Sometimes, you are met with judgement and criticism. Other times, you’ve just been given bad advice. There might have even been occasions where you find out someone told another person about your issues without your consent. You leave the situation feeling worse than you did before you told anyone. Who needs that?

I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t rely on anyone else as a source of support. If it’s a safe and confidential source, sure. I am saying that it’s absolutely necessary to learn how to help yourself alone. Even if you have the greatest support system, talking to someone else may not always be an option and you have to be prepared for moments like that. You are your own responsibility, and it’s ultimately up to you to take care of yourself.

Audiobooks are an awesome form of self care. I recommend that everyone try listening to one at some point, you may be surprised at how much better you feel afterwards. I get my books using the app. Audible. I love a lot of Louise Hay’s books. She was a world renowned author and metaphysical teacher. Her self esteem affirmations helped me learn to embrace and accept myself for who I am. In “How To Love Yourself”, Louise discusses her 10 tips towards achieving self love and self acceptance. I found this to be very eye opening and learned some life long lessons from it. “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz is one of my favorites and a very popular and well known book. Ruiz shares 4 powerful beliefs to adopt to transform your life for the better. I own the paperback, but decided to buy it in audiobook form. I actually prefer the audiobook and have bookmarked my favorite parts to listen to whenever I need an extra boost of love and encouragement.

Now I understand some people really don’t care for self help/self improvement books. That’s okay too. Fiction based audiobooks/books are an effective coping mechanism as well. Reading gets your mind off of whatever it is you’re stressing. It’s entertaining, increases your vocabulary, strengthens your imagination and is a healthy distraction. Your brain gets to take a well deserved BREAK. We ALL need that, whether it is you’re depressed or not. Coping skills are not only for those who are struggling with mental illness. Coping skills are healthy hobbies and habits to integrate into your life, for the rest of your life. The more you have in your life, the better.

Nothing that I ever suggest on my blog will ever substitute receiving professional help. If you feel there is something seriously wrong and you have it in your power, please seek professional help. However, the tips I share may help you endure life’s struggles and get through them in a healthy, safe and non destructive way. In therapy, that is what you are taught. Granted, the therapist helps you work through your problems objectively, but ultimately, they will teach or recommend different coping skills for you to use when you’re feeling angry, depressed, anxious, etc…

I know there are a lot of you that may be struggling mentally, emotionally and psychologically. I know how it feels to deal with that pain alone, to feel misunderstood or the fear that you will be looked upon as crazy. You’re not crazy. You’re just struggling. Believe it or not, those are temporary feelings. You just need to learn how to ride them out in the safest way possible. That’s where me and my soul revival tips come in. I’m sharing some of the stuff I know has saved me, and I really hope can do the same for you.

I’m Not Dead, I Promise

So… it’s been a while. I’m still here though. I haven’t abandoned you guys. I actually love writing and this blog. My brain has been pretty fuzzy lately and I’m not quite sure why. I’ve got a case of classic writer’s block

I’ve been in a very introverted place lately. I’ve been doing a lot of self reflection. Which is good, that’s what’s required for evolution.

I’m a passionate writer and I always am flattered and appreciative of the people who do stop and read my work. It’s important for me to let you know what is going on and to be honest. Just in my own little bubble… for now.

I’ll be back from my hiatus better than ever I’m sure, either offending you or making you chuckle. Much love to you all and again, thank you for reading.