My Beautiful Boy

The moment I laid eyes on you,

I knew what I’d been told was true.

Mommy’s chin,

Daddy’s nose.

I made sure,

You had all your toes.

Love swelled inside my heart,

Couldn’t imagine being,

One second apart.

I loved watching you grow,

Wondering how much you’d know.

Hearing you cry always hurts,

Trying my best,

To describe it in words.

One day,

You stopped seeing me,

Invisible, a ghost.

My heart was ripped apart,

When you were diagnosed.

I thought that’s it,

It’s over.

You and I,

Would never be closer.

Your daddy told me

They were wrong,

You would make it,

You were strong.

All I could do was pray,

Things wouldn’t turn out that way.

Now here we are,

You laugh and you play.

Daddy was right,

Everything is okay.

Today you look me in the eyes,

You’ve truly made me realize,

Miracles do come true,

Now you say I love you.

You are so friendly,

A bit crazy,

Yet, a little messy.

Those toy cars,

Always lined up perfect.

Don’t mess with them,

There’d be pay hell for it.

Repeating everything I say,

You even mock me when I laugh.

Have to stop my giggling

With everything I have.

Your hugs,

There is nothing,

They can’t cure.

You always remind me,

There’s nothing I can’t endure.

So, my beautiful boy

You’ve brought me so much joy.

My cheekie, Mi cochito

Que orgullosa estoy.

Every bit of my being,

Knows this to be true.

I have never been more proud,

I will always love you.

I Know Why The Caged Bird Escaped

You saw her and were instantly drawn in,

Overcome with both lust and sin.

Vivacious, life of the party,

Your eyes trailed down her body.

Magnetic and articulate,

This was nothing like you’d ever dreamt.

Her loud laugh and audacity,

Is that you, defying gravity?

Or have you lost your sanity?

She’s the drug and you’re the addict,

You’ve made up your mind, you’ve finally picked.

You did everything to win her over,

Everything you could to bring her closer.

Alas, success,

You tried your best!!

You did it, she is yours,

Operating the way a predator lures.

You have to make sure she can never leave,

She can never escape, she’s yours to keep.

She’s not going anywhere,

You’ve made sure she’s got nowhere.

She’s right where you want her,

Unknowingly sitting in simmering water.

She gradually changes before your eyes,

It’s something you don’t really mind.

The fire in her dying slowly,

Once exciting and now homely.

You feel good, you feel safe,

She’s in the dark, living in a cave.

She’s doesn’t know how she got here,

She’s confused and cloaked in fear.

She doesn’t recognize herself anymore,

Without you, she’s won’t even go to the store.

How powerful you must feel,

You’re the hero, how unreal!

Except, she’s starting to remember,

Who she was, that December.

Wild, young and free,

However could this be?

She’s wisened up, she’s decided to heal,

She’s on the quest to find what’s real.

The “her” that lives deep inside,

Trapped beneath all of those lies.

She starts to feel the warmth of the sun,

She’s begins to recall she is “someone”.

She matters, she is worthy,

She loves herself now and it’s making you worry.

You can’t let her know the secret,

You’ll do everything in this world to keep it.

She is magic in human form,

And once she finds out, she will run.

She is beginning to explore her gifts again,

Her god given talents, heaven sent.

Others shower her with compliments and praise,

It meant nothing to her anyways.

She longed for your attention, love and appreciation,

But that was too dangerous,

Classified information.

She’s convinced you don’t care how she feels,

It’s incredible,

How much your lack of concern and action reveals.

It was your encouragement she needed the most,

She needed your help in order to grow.

Instead met with emotional neglect,

She painfully realized you could never truly connect.

Her happiness gleams so bright now,

It shows.

But no one really knows.

How you’re dying deep inside,

No one hears your cries.

You witnessed her revival before your eyes,

Yet, you pretended not to realize.

She got stronger everyday,

You hoped to god things wouldn’t stay that way.

You ignored the magic,

You pretended to only hear static.

You believed you loved her, but you didn’t,

You purposely took on the role of a hinderance,

To love is to acknowledge and take pride in one’s brilliance.

She was never a person,

Only a possession.

You’re consumed with rage,

Now it’s become an obsession.

She feels it’s now best to flee,

To love includes the willingness to set one free.

Instead you think,

How dare she want to leave?

How could she forget,

She belongs to me!?

You think of every trick in the book,

This can’t happen, you need to keep her hooked!

Who would you be without her dependence?

You’d have no choice but to drop the semblance.

We all know why the caged bird sings,

She’ll never stop till freedom rings.

The damage is done and it’s too late,

I now know why the caged bird escaped.

Phantom Menace: Why People Ghost Each Other

Why do people ghost each other?

There are several possibilities:

⁃ The person does not care and is incapable of remorse.

⁃ The person does not know how to communicate in a healthy way.

⁃ The person struggles with codependency and doesn’t want to upset anyone.

⁃ The person is at their wits end and has verbalized their feelings with no results

⁃ The person fears there will be nothing to gain from the conversation but stress, pain and feel the conversation will impact their mental health in a negative way.

If the person who ghosted you is incapable of remorse or struggles with communication, consider it a favor. It’s better to learn a person has no remorse by disappearing than being put in a situation that endangers your well being. If a person struggles with communication and they ghosted you, it is for the best, It’s a big issue and if they have shown NO efforts to acknowledge this within themselves, this is always going to be a problem. You can’t have a healthy relationship with poor communication the same way you can’t start a fire under water. It’s just not possible. So, better that they walk away if that’s the case.

With that being said…

I ghost people.

I wasn’t always like this. We all have lived different lives with totally different experiences. I can only speak from what I have learned from mine.

So before you grab your pitchforks, and burn me at the stake, read on.

I was the type of person who would approach people who upset me with hopes of clearing up miscommunication and creating reconciliation.

While I wasn’t the best communicator, I tried my best to list factual information and to give explanations on how those situations made me feel. I never came from a place of malice. I never wanted or intended to hurt anyone. I know I can come off a bit strong, but my goal was always to reach a level of mutual understanding and a solution.

When I would do this, I began to realize people didn’t value me or relationships the way I did. They didn’t care about what I was expressing or my feelings. They could not empathize. They weren’t interested in understanding where I was coming from or putting themselves in my shoes. They weren’t capable of self reflection or taking responsibility for themselves. I was more emotionally invested in our relationship than they were.

They usually became defensive, as well as insulting and would proceed to undermine me. I was met with the famous phrases we all know so well: “You’re crazy, that didn’t happen, you’re so difficult, you’re problematic, you’re a trouble maker, you’re a drama queen, you’re always starting trouble, you’re exaggerating, you’re so sensitive, I was treated like that as a child, it’s no big deal”

Invalidating me was the easier option. Entertaining the mere possibility I was right would mean having to admit their wrongs and mistakes. That is no easy feat, I’ll be the first one to admit it. Their pride and ego was more important to them then the quality of our relationship. That’s the blunt truth. It’s much easier to point the finger at the black sheep and to claim they are looking for trouble again.

Here are the sad facts: 9 out of 10 people will always be who they are now and will never change. Even if they do, it will be for them, not you. Also, as they get older, it rarely improves and usually will get worse.

Confronting someone who has hurt you and invalidated you is a huge threat to your mental health. You’re not supposed to put yourself in situations that threaten your mental health. You’re supposed to be protecting yourself from situations that can do that to you. We are the ones responsible for keeping ourselves healthy.

If you’re confronting someone who’s behavior demonstrates apathy, doesn’t take you seriously, undermines you, doesn’t respect you, makes fun of you, mocks you, invalidates you, makes less of your accomplishments, treats you like you’re inferior to them, insults you, doesn’t admit their faults, doesn’t have an open mind or isn’t able to shift their perspective, you put yourself at risk of being severally drained, emotionally abused, manipulated and hurt. This sort of treatment erodes your self esteem and can discourage you from wanting to speak your mind in the future. It may even cause you to potentially spiral into a breakdown.

How is that fair? Why even do that? To consider someone else’s feelings? What do you gain from that? Because it’s the “right” thing to do? What behavior has ever been displayed by this person to indicate that they prioritize your feelings, take you seriously and respect you?

Screw that. If ghosting protects your mental health, go for it with no guilt. It’s our responsibility and job to protect and prioritize our emotional, spiritual and mental state. NO one comes before that. I will keep repeating that until the day I die because some people do not believe they deserve to prioritize themselves. It’s a tragedy.

I’m not running a charm school here. No one is paying me to teach ethics, morals and values. This isn’t grade school. It’s not my job to teach people how to behave, teach people where they went wrong and how they were disrespectful.

We are not responsible for the mental health and feelings of other people. We are not responsible for making them understand. We are not responsible for soothing and comforting the egos of others.

Being upset, angry, and resentful is all a part of the human experience.

If they are upset, they can do what I do. Journal, go for a run, practice a coping skill, do something productive and healthy. They can make the decision to see a therapist like I did. They can choose to take responsibility for themselves like I did.

In terms of the dating world, I’m kind of on the fence.

I think if you date someone and the relationship is no longer healthy, there is the need to express it is over.

This should be done with tact, respect and empathy and compassion. Breakups can be really horrific and devastating.

However…

You should not have to baby a person, you should not have to continue to express why, you should not have to explain your feelings over and over again. You should not feel responsible for their actions, because you have no control over what they choose to do.

This person has every right to hate you, resent you, want to gouge your eyes out.

Again, however…

They aren’t allowed to emotionally dump or overwhelm you, they aren’t allowed to disrespect you, they aren’t allowed to call you a million times when you made it clear you don’t want to speak. They aren’t allowed to curse you out or call you names. You aren’t responsible for saving them from themselves.

The codependent part of us feels the need to play savior out of guilt and to people please. We don’t want people to hate us. We want to be liked by everyone.

Here’s the thing: You can’t control what people think of you and if you’re consumed with the fear of disappointing others or being disliked, it is also very likely that you’ll find yourself back in that relationship all over again.

You’ll put your own needs on the back burner. You’ll grow resentful. Then the whole process starts all over again and it usually gets uglier as the cycle proceeds.

This is another reason why many people ghost each other.

They know there is the potential for drama and they don’t want to deal with the stress of it. They don’t want to be responsible for the happiness of someone else, rightfully so. That’s draining and again, not your job.

That may sound fucked up, and it’s something I know would’ve made me irate years ago if someone had said it to me, but, a person has the right to leave you if they are unhappy.

Just because they hurt you does not mean that they are obligated to be your punching bag. Even if you feel they deserve it, you’re supposed to be processing your emotions in ways that are healthy and that don’t put you or the people in your life in danger. Treating this person like shit isn’t going to make you feel better. It’s not going to improve the quality of your life. It’s not going to make the pain go away. You can’t prioritize yourself the way you’re supposed to and you will never heal or move on if you’re fixated on another person.

They were not happy with the situation and they’ve decided this is what’s best for them. All we can do is respect that, let go and move forward.

Crying, begging, pleading does nothing but pressure a person out of pity and guilt to cater to you when they just told you they don’t want you. When you are forced to do something, you get spiteful. You’re not living for you. You’re living to create happiness for another human being and that is an exhausting and impossible task.

When you speak your truth, you run the risk of hurting others and that sucks. That’s not a good enough reason to live dishonestly though. We don’t choose an authentic life to make others happy. It’s a choice we make because that’s the only way you can live truly fulfilled. All you can do is to try your best to always come from a place of love, kindness, warmth and compassion while being mindful of your boundaries.

I have been on both sides of the coin here.

So…

If you are the one that has been ghosted, I’m sorry. There’s no way around it. It’s very, very painful.

Know that the situation is not reflective of your self worth and your worthiness of love.

“You do not have to earn love. You are lovable because you exist” – Louise Hay

For whatever reason, you’re not meant to continue your journey with this person. You were not meant to evolve in the same direction. You have your own path, wants and needs to cater to and they have their own.

Understand that people, whether it be by death or other circumstances, always come with an expiration date. We don’t own anyone. No one is promised to us for a lifetime. Appreciate what was good and then learn to let go.

A cool friend once advised me to ask myself this question consistently:

“What do I need to learn from this experience in order to evolve?”

This person was your teacher and the experience was the lesson. Learn from it, because if not, you will keep attracting situations where you’re in the same dilemma all over again. What you don’t learn, you will repeat.

Allow yourself to feel the entire spectrum of emotions. Allow yourself to be mad. Allow yourself to be angry, allow yourself to cry. Don’t camp out there though.

Someone told me Beyoncé gives herself 24 hours to be sad, then does what she has to do to proceed with her life. I like that. She’s allowing herself to process. She’s not repressing. She’s also showing herself love by going through the motions of life. She knows you have two choices. You can sit at home, cry and feel sorry for yourself, or you can do things that make you feel empowered.

I watch Teal Swan’s videos on YouTube. I mentioned her a lot. She frequently influences and inspires me. She quoted something regarding happiness that was so powerful to me.

“You want to be happy? Stop seeking and chasing happiness. Accept the present moment. Live in present. Seek relief. Relief brings release. We either pick relief or stress. We pick what makes us feel better, or what makes us feel worse”- Teal Swan

Write this quote down. Put it on the wall. Put it on the lock screen of your phone. It is life changing. It’s said that living in the past and the future is self hatred. When you live by this quote, it forces you to be present. It forces you to love, prioritize and cater to yourself completely. You’re creating a life of happiness without even realizing you’re doing so. Things start to feel effortless.

Treat yourself the way you would your very best friend or child. Honor yourself. Do the things you love. Do the things you loved to do as a child. Develop hobbies. Listen to positive affirmations. Listen to music. Dance. Write. Validate yourself. Accept yourself.

So then, if you ever find yourself being ghosted in the future, you can say this to yourself:

“This person’s behavior demonstrates that for personal reasons they chose not to share, they wish to be left alone. They come first in their lives, the way I come first in mine. If they feel it’s best to go our separate ways, it’s my job to move on. I need to respect and come to terms with that. I am responsible for continuing to make myself the focal point of my life. I, more than ever, need to take the best physical, mental and emotional care of myself possible. My job is to try my best to fall into alignment and to avoid things and people that pull me out of it”

Don’t demand closure. Closure is a hoax. Those who talk the talk but aren’t walking the walk are being honest with you through their actions. Enough said.

Instead, practice self love and self acceptance. Recite positive affirmations. Release the emotions. Release resistance. Let go. Practice gratitude. Stay in the present moment.

Until next time ✌🏽

To The Sanctimonious, The Judgmental, The Holier Than Thou Parent: Fuck You

I am a parent.

I am the parent of a 14 year old genius smart ass, a 7 year old autistic child who resembles Tarzan, and 3 year old pain in the ass pug.

I am not afraid to admit that there are moments where it f*#%!@$ sucks. I am not ashamed to admit there are sometimes I wish I wasn’t a mom and that I’m tired of living this life. That I wish I was free again to do whatever I want, whenever the fuck I want. I am not afraid to admit that I’ve sometimes felt my kids are a$@!?*%$!

I’m not embarrassed by the fact that sometimes my ass has wished I lived on a fucking island.

Wanna know why? Because I’m fucking HUMAN. The thoughts I just expressed are HUMAN. I’m not a goddamn robot. I have feelings, and not all of them will always be pleasant. Parenting is not EASY. It makes you want to pull your hairs out!

If you say otherwise and are a parent, you’re a part of the problem. You’re either fake or pay other people to do your parenting for you. I don’t care who you are, if you can sit there and say none of what I just said has ever crossed your mind, you’re lying.

You’re straight up full of shit.

If you aren’t a parent and are reading my words, think I’m a demon because of them, you can’t speak on an experience you know nothing about.

I dont give a fuck if you’re a baby sitter, you have a degree in whatever has to do with children, if you’ve been working with disabled children for whatever amount of years. Do what I do 24/7 (I am poor and literally never vacation), then come talk to me about how pleasant, peachy keen and easy it is, how it’s been nothing but a dream. Kiss my ass.

There is nothing wrong with admitting how hard and frustrating parenting fucking is. How it will drive you to the point of tears from time to time.

Sanctimonious parents make me ill. Sanctimonious people make me ill. If you think I’m sanctimonious, your ass knows nothing about me and clearly does not read my blog.

Sanctimonious people don’t admit to defeat and fault. Holier than thou people don’t own their fuckups.

They are all about maintaining this fake ass image to look perfect. The people who try the hardest to look perfect are the people who are usually the worst parents.

You don’t realize the damage you cause when you make a parent feel like shit about being straight up regarding how hard it is. Being a parent is one of the most difficult jobs in the world, and if a person is opening up to you about that, they are looking for support. They are looking for validation. They are looking for compassion, for empathy.

You think parents already don’t feel like they don’t do enough? You think parents aren’t already hard on themselves, feeling like shit about themselves? Feeling guilty for finding it difficult and for having those thoughts?

The LAST thing a parent needs is to be SHAMED for having a moment of weakness. You are literally CONTRIBUTING to how badly they feel, and more than likely making them feel WORSE. How is that helpful in any way?

You create isolation. Making people feel like they have no one.

Y’all are the probably the same fuckers contributing to mental illness, making people feel like shit about that too. No one wants to be upfront, because they are afraid of what YOU, the JUDGMENTAL , the SANTIMONIOUS, the TRUE HOLIER THAN THOU will say and think about them.

Meanwhile, you ain’t shit. You’re one of us, struggling just as much as us.

If your ass got off your high horse, we could support you as well, because we all know that the most judgmental people are the most miserable people with the lowest self esteem.

Those who feel the need to critique everything and everyone, those are the ones who feel like garbage about themselves.

People who are happy look to support others, to show others love. They inspire and look to show others the silver lining in life. They don’t go around, pointing out all the flaws with the intent of making you feel bad and guilty.

If you cut the shit out and humbled yourself, you could receive love and heal too.

However, you can lead a horse but you can’t force them to drink.

You wanna know why I dont feel bad about the thoughts I’ve listed? Because I have nothing to prove. Because my children KNOW I love them. Why? Because they FEEL it.

They feel it when I sit with them and talk to them about LIFE and LOVE. When we TALK about intimate matters and have heart to heart conversations.

When they KNOW they can make themselves vulnerable with me. They know I am not going to judge them, that I accept them for who they are, that I support them and want them to do, look and wear what makes them happy and feel good about who THEY are, regardless of what ANYONE thinks.

They can tell me what they feel because they know I’m a safe space. They know that I respect them, because they are human beings.

They know I encourage them to speak their minds, their hearts and to stand by their truths because I remind them that they matter.

My son may not be able to speak to the fullest capacity, but he feels me intuitively with him when I’m hanging in his room, when we are working on potty training, when we listen to music, when we sing and dance together. Those moments are priceless.

I’m there at every school meeting. I’m right there with those teachers as they teach me how to dress him, brush his teeth, how to read into his body language and needs, the latest advances he’s made. He knows I love him when I clap for him, hug him and tell him how proud I am of him.

I dont NEED to PROVE what I feel for my kids to anyone with my WORDS.

MY BOND with my kids, the TRUST my children have for me, my PRESENCE and SUPPORT during the hard times… that shit speaks for itself.

Parenting is more than providing the physical. One day, they will become adults and they will be able to provide for themselves.

Kids don’t look back and feel connected with you because you put a roof over their head. You’re not special to them because of that. That’s not what makes you memorable. Anyone with money can do that.

Why do you think so many rich kids hate their parents and bonded more with their nannies? A lot of those kids treat their parents like shit, but are entitled and will ask for money with the same mouth they disrespected them with. Because the parent has always felt money was the answer to everything, they hand it over. You can’t buy your child’s love and trust. Money isn’t the answer. It’s not enough.

Parenting is about BONDING and making your kids feel you are PRESENT. Making sure they FEEL you LOVE them.

That they can come to you with ANYTHING, with no judgement. They know that if I’m telling them something, if I’m reprimanding them, I am not demeaning them. I come from a place of true, pure LOVE.

That right there is what matters. THAT IS LOVE. Not what the fuck I feel, think or express in moments of frustration. Any parent or person in general could kiss my ass if they think otherwise. I probably wouldn’t like your fake ass anyways.

To my daughter, if you’re reading this (your ass doesn’t even need me to say this, because you’re blunt as f$!@ as it is)

Never be afraid to be you. Never be afraid to be true to yourself. Never be ashamed of your thoughts.

“Speak your truth, even if your voice shakes”

⁃ Robin Sharma

I thank every person who has ever judged, shamed, angered, hurt or betrayed me. I got everything off my chest and my ass actually feels better. You give me so much writing material and inspiration than you probably wish to. You’re the ones who keep this blog interesting. Love you 😘

Thank you for reading ❤️

Sigh…

So, my psychiatrist told me yesterday that I have C-PTSD.

PTSD is usually caused by a traumatic event, while C-PTSD stems from long-term, on going trauma.

It doesn’t really change anything. Everything is pretty much all the same. You just continue to work on healing, like I already am.

Yet somehow, finding out kind of fucked me up.

I found myself crying and sobbing. I’ve got to admit, I was kind of confused and surprised by my reaction. I actually apologized to the doctor, like I’d passed gas in front of him.

I’ve already started healing and processing childhood trauma. Mental illness isn’t something new to me. I’d been working on it for years, educating myself and practicing my coping skills for quite sometime.

I think it was just oddly validating.

I’ve been told to stop living in the past. I know I get looked at like I am victimizing myself. It’s always made me feel bad.

People think it’s a choice. I don’t choose to feel the way I do or experience life the way I do. Why would anyone? Why would anyone even lie about feeling this way? It’s not like it makes you look good. I’m already looked upon as crazy as is.

This is not fun. It’s definitely not when you’re looked at like an exaggerator. Like you’re behaving the way you do for attention.

Things now make a little more sense.

Flashbacks, relieving and thinking of traumatic experiences over and over again, avoiding certain things out of fear of crying and becoming emotional, being easily startled and triggered by things that others normally wouldn’t be, paranoia, loss of trust in people, difficulty regulating emotions, difficulty controlling anger, fixation on abuser/s…

All things I’ve been experiencing for years and all things I’ve been judged for. Do people’s opinions matter? No. It doesn’t make it any less painful though. No matter what, it always stings to know that people think negatively of you, no matter how hard you try not to let it get to you.

I knew about the depression and the mood swings. Others did too. So that wasn’t really looked upon as odd. At least not at this point.

I know people looked at me and judged me for still being in a state of pain because of things that happened long ago. Like I was making excuses.

I started to wonder if that was true. Was I choosing this? I didn’t think I was, because it honestly made me feel bad to be thought of in that “woe is me” way. It’s not exactly a good look.

Now, it makes sense

I wasn’t doing this to myself. It was something that was happening to me that I didn’t have control over.

Again, everything is still the same. Now, I just know. Now, there’s a reason why. Knowing the “why” and how something originated has always helped me figure out how to solve any problem.

I dont have to feel like a failure about the fact that the past still hurts me and has affected me in different ways. I know I’m not “crazy”?

I dont know…Whatever.

I write to make sense out of shit because my feelings tend to hit me like a fucking truck and I don’t realize what’s happened or what I’ve done until the dust settles. As my psychiatrist said “Shoot first, ask questions later”.

Now I know that how important it really is for me to continue the healing process and why it’s been so hard to begin with. It’s not just something I need to do because it will “help” me. Now I understand how crucial it actually is.

Things just make sense now.

As I said, nothing really changes. I’ve just got to keep doing what I’m doing. I’ll probably read up on it, just to possibly help myself in ways that had never occurred to me before. New pointers are always good. Plus learning will help me, help you guys. I’ll be able to tell you about all my new found skills 😂

I debated sharing this. I was kind of embarrassed. But isn’t that kind of the problem in the first place? It’s the reason I started this blog. Things like this only become comfortable to talk about when YOU talk about them. Author Brene Brown teaches us that speaking about our vulnerability and shame is what connects us. Talking about our pain not only is healing, but it peels away all the superficial layers we’ve been hiding behind. It unites us because we can all relate to each others experiences.

So, let’s make it safe and comfortable for others to open up too. That’s the only way things in the mental health world will be regarded compassionately, seriously and respectfully.

Thank you for reading ❤️

Stop F$!?#%* Asking Me How You Look

I hate when people ask me what they should do with their appearance.

I am flattered you value my opinion, don’t get me wrong. However, why do you care what I think?

What I think does not matter.

I was surrounded by standard beauty growing up and wasn’t really able to express my individuality until over the age of 18.

When I did, I was literally criticized all the time.

I have colored my hair all sorts of colors and have been judged for it.

I have cut my hair and have been picked apart for it.

I’ve had about 4-5 piercings in my face and was criticized for it.

I have had outfits that I have been put down for wearing.

I’ve been given funny looks and have been told things like:

“Why did you do that?”

“You looked prettier before”

“I liked your hair when it was longer”

“I liked your hair when it was darker”

“Why did you do that to your face?”

“No, that doesn’t look right”

Yet, I kept doing my own thing because I felt good.

I liked what I saw in the mirror.

What I saw made me happy and it made me feel brave, bold and unique to stand out from the crowd.

I also received lot of praise and compliments such as:

“My goodness, that’s so beautiful”

“I wish I could do that”

“I wish I had the face for that”

I’ve even had people reach out to me to thank me because I inspired them to make changes they desperately wanted to make for their own appearance.

That always felt really, really good.

The approval was irrelevant to me. It was thrilling to try new things to look the way I wanted. Had I lived according to everyone’s opinions, I wouldn’t have taken those risks that ultimately resulted in my happiness and satisfaction.

When I did choose to go around asking for the opinions of others, I was told not to because it would look ugly, bad, disgusting, etc..

The irony? The same people who would hit me with criticism started looking a lot like me.

The criticism you hear from others is coming from a place of someone else’s fears and limitations. These people are afraid to be themselves and to stray from what’s considered acceptable. Why would they encourage you to be bold and unique when they don’t even have the balls to do it themselves? Only when YOU break the mold and receive the praise, do they feel safe enough to do the same. Mostly because they desire the same positive reaction others gave you.

In reality, they still aren’t being themselves. We don’t know what and who they are and what they like because THEY don’t know who they are and what they like. That’s why they go around copying everyone’s shit. They want the same admiration you got. You’d be surprised that sometimes your critics are your greatest fans.

Wear and look however and whichever way you want. Fuck what anyone else thinks because again, those who pick on you for it are more often than not undercover fans.

I say this a lot and I’m going to say it again.

The only path to happiness is authenticity.

You express authenticity through appearance.

Look the way you want and OWN THAT SHIT. UNAPOLOGETICALLY.

Fuck what anyone else thinks.

That right there is what earns you respect.

At this point of my life, I’d rather be respected than accepted.

Stop Making Your Food Taste Like Shit

Your life is like a meal you are preparing for yourself. The people you choose to be in your life are the seasoning and spices you add to make your dish. The purpose of the spices and seasonings are to make the dish more flavorful.

Do you NEED them?

No, not necessarily. The food is edible without them. They make the dish heavenly and delectable though. They add and compliment the meal. They enhance and bring out the best of the meal. By the time you’re done, you are happy, fulfilled and satisfied.

Now, if you try a spice and you don’t like it or it makes your food taste nasty, why would you cook with it? Why would you add more? Why would you continue to eat it?

The moral here?

You need no one once you learn to love and care for yourself. There is no one to complete you. You are whole. You always have been. Don’t let society, the films, the fairy tales, the tv shows or any living being make you feel differently. The people in your life aren’t there to make you happy. YOU are the one who is responsible for making YOU happy.

The people in your life are OPTIONAL. They are to there CONTRIBUTE to that joy, to HELP and bring out the BEST in you. To push you to achieve your dreams. To motivate and help you believe in yourself.

If a person only adds pain, anger, insecurity, criticism, pessimism, difficulty and blocks you from your blessings, goals and reaching your full potential, if this person is holding you back and spends time baiting you with the intentions of bringing out the worst in you…

Why stick around? It’s not necessary. We aren’t supposed to NEED people in our lives. That’s unhealthy. That’s codependence, look into it if you don’t know what that is. We are supposed to WANT them in our lives and we are supposed to pick those who make life EASIER and LIGHTER.

The inevitable we experience in everyday life makes things hard as it is.

Why continue to deal with someone who is guaranteed to make it even more difficult? I promise you, you will be fine, if not better off because you are without them.

Throw the repulsive spice away.

Remember the way it tasted the first time you cooked with it.

Avoid using it in the future.

The Pledge Of Self Respect And Mental Peace

I pledge to never again put myself in an environment where I am uncomfortable and am being treated poorly by the people around me.

I pledge to no longer do things or to be around people that threaten my mental health for the sake of pleasing others, living by their expectations or being considered “respectful” and “doing the right thing”

I pledge to no longer anger, rile and upset myself by engaging in debates, arguments and the blame game.

I pledge to only confront if it serves my higher good.

I pledge to only take part in conversations that aim to problem solve and find solutions.

With a person who truly loves and values you, that’s a conversation that is respectful, feels safe and brings you serenity.

Consider this the next time you find yourself in conflict, because when someone approaches you aggressively, sarcastically, yells, patronizes, demeans, name calls, invalidates and curses, with the inability to apologize, self reflect or take personal responsibility…

The translation is:

“I’m unhappy and you are my doormat. Taking your peace of mind, dignity, self esteem and self respect will supply me with the boost I need for today. Please play with me.”

Choose not to participate. Don’t show up.

YOU! YES, YOU!!!

I’ve never met a happy pessimist/chronic complainer. While I’ve been in that mindset and can empathize, I’ve learned happiness is not something that just falls on to your lap. Happiness is a state of mind, it’s what you create. If you give things that make you feel bad access to your life, it’s going to make it that much harder to stay in that mindset. If you want a specific sort of life, you have to believe it will happen for you. Create positive affirmations. Learn how to truly love yourself, because self love and arrogance/vanity are two separate things. One is kindness, care, faith and confidence in your own abilities and the other is derived from fear.

I’ve made decisions that have angered people because from the outsider’s perspective, they made no sense and defied logic. However, I’ve believed wholeheartedly in my decisions because I’ve always honored my intuition. Because of that, it’s stronger than ever and I have experienced an unbelievable amount of manifestation.

I can honestly say I have never regretted a decision I’ve ever made when following my gut, but I can tell you every time I’ve ignored it, there was hell to pay and I’ve kicked myself in the ass because I knew better. I FELT that shit. I could feel what the outcome of a situation would be. I just went with the more socially acceptable choice that made others comfortable, neglecting myself in the process. It’s never paid off.

I was once kicked out of my home and found an apartment and moved in the same day. I’ve lost jobs and found ones the following day. I signed my son up for one school, because I knew wholeheartedly that he without a doubt would be accepted. It was a charter school, and months later, I received a call from the head of the school to let me know he was the first pick from their lottery system.

I was diagnosed with one of the rarest diseases in the world and was met with nothing but pessimism by doctors. I was seriously told I was better off with Leukemia.

I required a lot of medicine and my insurance got cut off. I went to pick up my medicine afterward and was told by the pharmacy, despite the cut off notices, that my medicine was free of charge.

I tried my hardest to believe that I would heal, and I did. Within 6 months, I reached remission. Doctors could not explain why because my test results weren’t very different from when I was first diagnosed. I honestly believe if I decided to live in fear of dying, that’s exactly what would’ve happened.

I wanted to sign up for an online course that was half off. It cost 180 bucks and I didn’t have the money. My husband asked me to go to the bank for him to withdraw 20 bucks. I found 200 dollars on the way over. The exact amount I needed. 20 bucks for him and exactly 180 for the class I wanted to sign up for.

My point?

Don’t be afraid to believe that what you want is possible. Don’t ditch logic, because you need it to survive everyday life but honor your gut feeling. You need both. However, learn what intuition sounds like, and trust it. Respect it. Don’t dismiss it.

Your gut feeling is the kindest, most loving voice you will ever encounter. The criticism, fear, insecurities and hateful talk? Lies. That’s not your gut speaking to you. That’s your mind being cruel to you.

I call my intuition, “My inner Grandmother Willow”, the wise and beloved character from Pocahontas who guides her from a place of love and wisdom. Your intuition will never make you feel bad about yourself, nor will it ever steer you wrong. It doesn’t chatter and go back and forth. It doesn’t debate itself. It’s deep, soulful, protective, encouraging, firm, quiet yet powerful and confident. It makes it’s presence known.

Build the life you want. It all starts with your mindset.

Some of you may read this and think I’m nuts. I’m okay with that.

The more you become YOU and strip yourself of the expectations and opinions of society and the less you crave the external acceptance and validation of others, the crazier you will look.

However, you will be at your happiest and more powerful in ways that you never imagined were even possible, because the road to happiness comes from self love and authenticity. Not the people around you.

You’ll live a life full of joy and fufillment. The obstacles in life won’t break you down, because you’ll learn they are lessons. Same with the people you dislike. The people we dislike reflect the things that we need to heal or confront within ourselves. You don’t realize it, but if you dig deep, you’ll find it’s true. Once you do, this person won’t have the same effect on you. You’ll find yourself even having compassion for them. That’s what you want. Anger and hatred serve you only no good and hold you back.

I know we all come from different walks of life. I’m not looking to force my beliefs on you, no debates necessary. Different point of views are what make life interesting.

However, I know some of you know where I’m coming from but are living in a place of fear and paralyzation.

Let my words swirl around in your mind. If you don’t agree, that’s okay. Do what works for you. If you do, or can relate, I hope this helped or encouraged you. Even if it was just a little bit ❤️

Confession

I have been physically, emotionally, verbally and mentally abused.

I, then, went out into the world and physically, emotionally, verbally and mentally abused others.

I hate that I became what I hated the most. I emulated what I witnessed because I was taught that was empowerment. That was the way you showed other people dominance. Bullying, mean comments. It meant you were tough.

However…

I have NEVER embraced these behaviors as something that people would have to just “take or leave”

I knew that although these behaviors felt impulsive, that they were wrong. The whole “impulse” thing was not an excuse. That did not make it okay.

I have never sat here for one second and thought I have no faults.

To the best of my abilities, I’ve always tried to correct the behaviors I inherited that were hurting both me and others.

Even as a child, I knew something was wrong. Even if I didn’t quite understand what exactly that was.

I’ve gone to therapy for years. It’s helped tremendously but it wasn’t foul proof. I didn’t become who I was overnight, so it took a long time to literally reprogram who I was entirely as a person.

But I tried.

Fuck, did I try.

I didn’t just go to therapy so some woman could sit there and hear me bitch about my life and play victim. I had to face a lot of truths.

Show me one person who likes to sit there and be told they have fucked up, time and time again? That shit is far from fun. It’s embarrassing and it’s painful.

I slowly incorporated what I was taught into my life. I did the exercises. I did the coping mechanisms. It was a loooooong process and my ass is far from done.

I’m sure that process was unbearable for anyone who had to deal with me at the time. I honestly didn’t know how to help myself. I had issues with emotional regulation and impulse control. I would cling to anyone who had ears to hear me vent and cry.

I understand now that that was toxic and I’m sorry if I put you in that situation. I’m pretty sure it was draining. Believe it or not, I was doing the best I could, at the time anyways.

I was expecting others to fix me, but I needed to do that.

I did learn. I’m in a healthier place. I’m happier and I’m emotionally more independent.

There is a part of me that empathizes with those who have hurt others. They are lost souls.

You know what I can’t take?

People who think they do no wrong. People who cannot apologize. People who REFUSE to apologize. People who do not self reflect. People who have no interest in empathizing with another person.

Don’t fool yourself, because about 90 percent of the time, these people know what they are doing. They know they are hurting you.

You wanna know how I know that? Because these are the same people who will flip the fuck out at the drop of a hat when they feel disrespected and boy is it a spectacle when they do!

They know they are hurting you. They just don’t give a fuck. People like that live in misery, so hurting you makes them feel better. Your happiness irks the shit out of them. I can’t respect that.

I’m done with dealing with people that behave this way. I’ve learned I leave with more pain than I do relief because these people literally do not give a fuck how much they’ve hurt you.

They would rather lose a relationship with you and never see you again than to admit the possibility that they might have hurt you and maybe, just MAYBE, they might have fucked up.

Everyone is very much “Love And Hip Hop” when it comes to confrontation. “Bitch, if you had a problem with me, why didn’t you say anything?!”

I’m sorry, but what in the fuck do you gain calling or meeting up with someone on a beautiful day to tell them how they made you feel and how they hurt you, only to be met with condescension, sarcasm, mockery, yelling, denial, invalidation, disrespect and insults?

What’s more important? Looking “tough” and being deemed as worthy by a person who could literally give two shits about your feelings, the quality of your relationship and well being OR you actually investing your time in people and activities that bring you joy and happiness?

Stop fucking with these people. Don’t waste your time worrying about their opinions, because they never cared about yours to begin with.

Focus on you, the inner work. Forgive yourself for your sins, because there is no going back. You decide who you are from this point forward.

If this does incite anger in you, ask yourself why? Is there a part of you that identifies with what I said? If this pissed you off, you have to have identified with it on some level.

There’s a great analogy YouTuber Nu Mindframe made (She’s awesome by the way, check her out)

I KNOW I’m not quoting this verbatim, but I thought the analogy was brilliant.

I am an average height, tanned, Hispanic woman.

If a stranger came up to me and said “You giant, pale Chinese bitch!!”, irate and foaming at the mouth…

I would laugh and think to myself, “This woman is insane”

Why?

Because my ass clearly is not Chinese, pale and far from being a giant.

What this person said is literally nonsense. It doesn’t apply to me. It doesn’t relate to me in the slightest. Why would it bother me?

But if it bothered you, why? Dig a little deeper. You may find the answer has way more to do with you and the way you feel about yourself subconsciously than this blog post.

Some of you may read this and feel less dirty, less alone, empowered.

Some of you may read this and really hate the fuck out of me, think I’m a hypocrite, I’m crazy

blah blah blah…

However,

I’m the one brave enough to own my fuckups, my shortcomings.

I’m the one brave enough to share them on a platform visible to the entire world.

While some of you will never look deeper than the bathroom mirror.

I’ll take my authenticity, filthy and flawed over the picture perfect shield you’ve created for yourself there any day of the week.

That’s all folks, until next time ✌🏽