This pain… it destroys people.
You live with that shit every single day of your life.
When you wash the dishes, feed your child, while you’re taking a walk…. that moment where your mind dazes off…
The memories… they come flooding back.
Permeating your brain. It’s still there. Like a dirty stain you scrub away at furiously. It’s not going anywhere. It’s still alive. It follows you everywhere. Even when you’re all grown up, it interferes with every part of your life. As a parent, spouse, sibling, friend… it’s shaped every part of you. Every day you fight against it. It’s a battle that never ends. You hate it.
So, what exactly does it take to break a human being?
Being thrown against exercise equipment because you wouldn’t eat a bowl of rice when you were in kindergarten. Being beat by a plastic hanger and having it broken across your back in the first grade. Being called disgusting for observing your own naked body in the mirror in third grade. Being called a bitch in fifth grade. Passionately singing only to have her laugh at you. Being humiliated on a daily basis. Being ridiculed and mocked. Being made to cry to then be called “too sensitive”, “dramatic” and “crazy”. Feeling self conscious constantly. Having your legs, teeth, hair made fun of. Being told you needed braces because “You were so ugly”. Being denied privacy. Being called stupid regularly.
Being told to never marry because “No man is ever going to take that”. Watching her beat her mother. Watching her beat her daughters. Watching her beat her husband. Being in last place because her dysfunctional spouse always came first. Never being considered. Never having a say.
Being threatened when no one was around. Being punched in the face by her. Being punched in the stomach and whipped by his belt when you hadn’t seen him in a year. Being expected to respect and obey when you hadn’t seen him in five years. Him never calling you on your birthday. His absence when you graduated middle school. His absence when you went to prom. His absence when you graduated high school. His absence the majority of the time you’ve existed.
Being accused of things you’ve never done. Having to walk on eggshells because you didn’t want to make her mad. Hearing her walk into a room and feeling every hair on your body stand up. Your stomach would drop. Your breathing would stop. Crippled with fear. Frozen in place because you are in the living and breathing presence of Satan.
Being taught that your sexuality is something to be ashamed of. Being called a whore before having sex was even a thought. Shaving your privates for the first time and being called a whore again when she found out. Ironically, while still being a virgin. Attempting to kill yourself at the age of fifteen to escape the pain. Her admitting she wants you to be miserable because that’s how she feels.
Reaching out for help and being ignored. No one wanting to hear your side. Having people agree and acknowledge the abuse, yet turning a blind eye while it’s occurring. Her denial.
Running away from home, sleeping on other people’s couches. Being the butt of every joke. Being called fat behind your back by him. Her telling you he did, because if it didn’t hurt you, it never happened. Lies being spread about you. Her gossiping about you, turning everyone you love against you.
Her telling you to abort your child. Her competition against you. Her telling you your engagement ring is too small and that she wanted one bigger than yours. Her plans to get married a month before your set wedding date. Her getting drunk at your wedding. Her starting a fight outside of your wedding. Her hypocrisy.
Being diagnosed with a life threatening disease and not a phone call from her, let alone a visit. Her feigning concern to anyone who will listen. The false report she made to CPS about you. Having to record phone conversations with her to protect yourself and prevent lying.
Being robbed of your identity.
What happens when the people who are supposed to guide, love and protect you, are the ones you need protection from?
This. This is the end result.
I don’t miss you. Thankfully, I no longer need you.
I’ve gotten better. I’ve gotten stronger.
All I have left are these memories that haunt me.
I’d give anything to forget.
I’d give anything to be free.