How To Break In The Death Traps You Call “Shoes”¬†

Shoes. The bane of a person’s existence. Beautiful, but deadly. Like Ingrid in White Oleander (Doing my best, dramatic Michelle Pfeiffer bitch stare). Seriously though. They fucking hurt. But, we all want to look good right? 

I like short cuts. I don’t care to earn my badge of honorable footwear all bloodied and blistered. The thought alone makes me cringe entirely. 

So I’ve come to teach you all a magic trick. One that will eliminate maybe about 80 percent of your suffering. You’ll need four things. A thin, dress sock, a thick, fluffy sock, your death traps AND a blowdryer (clearly I’m a fan). 

You’re going to put the thin sock on and then put the thick sock over. Stuff your victims in the death traps. Then, you’re going to take your blowdryer and heat up the parts on the shoes that are tight, pinch or straight up hurt. You obviously want to do this at a good safe distance. You don’t want to burn your shoes, or dry/change the color of the fabric/leather. You want to do this just enough to heat up the uncomfortable parts of your shoes. 

You can do this through out the day, 30 seconds per shoe at most. If done correctly and carefully, the appearance of the shoe should remain the same.  

Then, (I hope you took the day off) walk around the house with them. Do your chores in them. Pretend your table is a runway. Squat. Tae bo. Just get that ass moving. Sit when you need to, lay down when you need to. 

In the evening, when the wretched day is done, try the shoes on with solely the appropriate sock or if heels, barefoot. 

Your foot should comfortably fit in the shoes. They should be softer and have lost the majority of their stiffness. The layers of socks, although uncomfortable, should’ve protected your feet from potential blisters forming. 

You might even be able to wear your shoes the same day or even the following day. I hope this works for anyone that hates breaking in shoes as much as I do. Until next time, you’re welcome. 

Mosquitoes Be Gone, Your Itch Ain’t That Strong¬†

So, my husband and I decided to barbecue over the weekend. I was super excited to sit outside and enjoy a nice burger or two. All the while, forgetting that my blood to a mosquito is what Pepsi is to the average American. 

I’m super prone to bites and typically end up covered in them. These suckers didn’t disappoint. Between my legs and my arm, I’d gotten about 10-12 bites. Yeah, what great fun! It’s had been two days and itch was unbearable. I’d tried alcohol, hydrocortisone, aloe vera gel, essential oils, calamine lotion and everything else one could think of. Nothing worked. I started to feel like I was going nuts. 

I got on the internet and started searching for ways to get rid of the itch. Page after page, all I could find were suggestions I had already used that didn’t work. 

Finally I came across one raised my brows. A blow dryer. The theory behind this was that heat deteriorates the protein that causes itching when mosquitos inject it under your skin. It was speculated that the method has more to do with the short lived effect of heat on nerve endings. 

I was pretty skeptical because it sounded pretty random and to be frank, stupid. At this point, I was ready to try anything. The itching had me ready to slice bites off (Morbid I know, can’t help the way my brain works!)

I plugged my dryer in and went to work. Surprisingly enough, it worked. I didn’t feel anymore itching for at least 4 hours, which was huge to me because the discomfort was endless.

This is pretty brilliant. Almost everyone owns a blow dryer. The relief was instantaneous. You don’t have to add any chemicals on to your skin. You also don’t have to worry about ointment and creams rubbing off on clothing, furniture, bedding, etc… 

Here is what I did: I took the blow dryer and put it on high heat. I aimed the hot air in the direction of the bite, keeping the blow dryer about 10 to 12 inches away from my skin. 

I own a professional, salon quality blow dryer that gets very hot. I had to hold it from a good distance to avoid burning myself. If your blow dryer isn’t as strong, you can bring it closer to your skin. 

You want to feel a tingle in the area where the bite is. It will feel like someone is scratching for you (weird, I know). Once you feel that sensation, stop. Do not leave heat the bite long enough to burn yourself. You don’t want to singe your skin off (Yeah, I was considering it too). You want to get it hot enough, then remove the heat. You’ll find immediate relief that will last for hours. 

I hope this tip helps some of you in distress from these pesky bites as well. My only regret was not finding out sooner. So, run over to that blower and zap the itch away. And, if you find yourself with the opportunity, aim the dryer at your blood sucking friend.