The Death Of The False Self

I feel like I have nothing in common with most people and have felt this way for most of my life.

Truth be told, I never cared for casual hangouts. I only tolerated them in hopes of developing deep connections with people in the future and it didn’t happen.

For over 10 years, I made the effort to try to connect with others by overextending myself, throwing social gatherings, racking my brain to try to come up with shit to talk about. I would literally talk just to TALK.

When I did, it was to mainly gossip. Surface level, toxic shit that now seems so irrelevant and silly. I did not understand how detrimental it all was.

I would tell people everything about my life to seem relatable. I would talk only about what was wrong with my life and I even went as far as discussing the less desirable parts of my marriage in an attempt to look cool, while omitting all the wonderful parts, taking it for granted.

You want to hear the funny part? I hid the good because I thought if I talked about being happy with my husband or being happy in general, I would annoy people.

Yup. I didn’t discuss my happiness out of fear that it would get on people’s nerves.

I look back now, and knowing what I know, if speaking about your happiness annoys others, are you really amongst the right people?

I was disloyal to the one person who has always shown me unconditional loyalty for the sake of being again, more likable. I valued the opinions of others more than I respected the privacy of my marriage and wish I could take it all back.

I don’t really drink anymore. I’m not saying I’ll never have one again. I just now understand I had an unhealthy relationship with it (I don’t understand what a healthy relationship with alcohol is considering the shit has no nutritional benefits or benefits in general but whatever.)

I would drink to calm my nerves to get along with people and rid myself of social anxiety. To be considered entertaining and fun.

One of my biggest goals is to learn to be completely confident, comfortable and have a good time without the help of alcohol. Self love and acceptance basically.

I don’t care enough anymore to consume something that’s bad for me for the sake of having fun with someone else.

Think about it.

Would you need to drink if there were a real, healthy connection there to begin with?

It’s feeling like there’s something wrong with you as a person that makes you want to do anything to alter your personality.

Since when is being liked worth risking your safety, health and even dignity?

I’d wake up to find out that I’d made a fool out of myself the night before. The people who heavily encouraged drinking the next time we hung out were usually more interested in laughing at me than with me.

Today, I care most about whether I like myself and how my husband and son feel about me.

My energy is now directed towards myself and my family. It’s really just that simple.

If we have shit in common and things just flow organically, cool.

If not, it is what it is. That’s life. It’s nothing personal.

I know how this all sounds and I understand it may come across as holier than thou, pretentious, rude… maybe even nasty.

But when you put effort into trying to connect with everyone the majority of your young adulthood and you’re only met with apathy…

You reach the point where you just get tired of the lack of reciprocation and if you’re lucky, learn to make yourself the focal point instead. Forcing myself to relate to others always came to my expense, whether it was mentally, emotionally or even physically.

I chose to live a life of solitude in 2018. I didn’t understand why at first. I just knew I was unhappy and that my life needed to drastically change. Although difficult and depressing, I knew intuitively I was doing what was best for me.

As a result, I got to know myself. Being by yourself, you have no choice but to be exactly that. YOURSELF. It becomes addicting. You learn what you like, love, and hate without anyone’s opinions and criticism. There is no one to impress.

By living a life true to yourself, you become happier and healthier. You develop new hobbies. You become independent. Self sufficient. Easier decision making from listening to your inner voice rather than seeking external validation. You’re finally comfortable and capable of keeping yourself entertained. There isn’t a better feeling.

It comes with a price though…

When you become used to being true to yourself, it makes you HYPER aware of those moments where you feel the need to suppress or change your character.

Being something other than your authentic self feels intolerable. You lose ability to people please. The capability to endure discomfort to fit in now feels like putting on a pair of 5 inch heels for me. Sure they fit and they look good, but they hurt and give you blisters. I’d much rather throw mine in the ocean and run around barefoot.

You can never go back to being the same person again.

I’d say it’s worth it.

I’m not coming from a place of bitterness, but from a place of true desire to achieve genuine fulfillment and happiness.

I write everyday about everything because it’s therapeutic. The act of writing played a huge part in this process and still does. I learn more about myself and it helps me make sense of the world around me. I find solutions to my issues because I have a better understanding of them.

Through writing, I confront myself and you need to confront yourself in order to grow.

This blog forces me to write about things that make me uncomfortable and that’s the only way I’ve seen any positive changes in myself. By facing what brings me discomfort.

I share because you might relate too.

Who knows, maybe I’ll meet someone going through the same thing?

Maybe you’re behaving this way and need to know it’s unhealthy. Maybe you needed to read this to learn to focus on yourself more than others.

Look into codependency, because that’s what that experience was. Thankfully, I understand that now. I might blog about codependency in the future. It’s a painful yet very common issue that many people struggle with and probably don’t even know is a thing.

I made the choice not to accommodate anything that makes me feel less than or bad about who I am anymore.

If there’s no love, integrity, emotional support, concern, sensitivity, acceptance, encouragement, or inspiration…

It ain’t for me.

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