How To Break In The Death Traps You Call “Shoes” 

Shoes. The bane of a person’s existence. Beautiful, but deadly. Like Ingrid in White Oleander (Doing my best, dramatic Michelle Pfeiffer bitch stare). Seriously though. They fucking hurt. But, we all want to look good right? 

I like short cuts. I don’t care to earn my badge of honorable footwear all bloodied and blistered. The thought alone makes me cringe entirely. 

So I’ve come to teach you all a magic trick. One that will eliminate maybe about 80 percent of your suffering. You’ll need four things. A thin, dress sock, a thick, fluffy sock, your death traps AND a blowdryer (clearly I’m a fan). 

You’re going to put the thin sock on and then put the thick sock over. Stuff your victims in the death traps. Then, you’re going to take your blowdryer and heat up the parts on the shoes that are tight, pinch or straight up hurt. You obviously want to do this at a good safe distance. You don’t want to burn your shoes, or dry/change the color of the fabric/leather. You want to do this just enough to heat up the uncomfortable parts of your shoes. 

You can do this through out the day, 30 seconds per shoe at most. If done correctly and carefully, the appearance of the shoe should remain the same.  

Then, (I hope you took the day off) walk around the house with them. Do your chores in them. Pretend your table is a runway. Squat. Tae bo. Just get that ass moving. Sit when you need to, lay down when you need to. 

In the evening, when the wretched day is done, try the shoes on with solely the appropriate sock or if heels, barefoot. 

Your foot should comfortably fit in the shoes. They should be softer and have lost the majority of their stiffness. The layers of socks, although uncomfortable, should’ve protected your feet from potential blisters forming. 

You might even be able to wear your shoes the same day or even the following day. I hope this works for anyone that hates breaking in shoes as much as I do. Until next time, you’re welcome. 

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